Musings by Ivy

Musing #163: RANT: Party Flyers and Party Dynamics

2011-10-17T00:58:00.002-04:00

Okay, I was in college. I went to a few parties advertised with flyers like these. Though, in my defense I refused to pay, especially a higher entry fee because I wasn't Greek, so I usually worked them as a staff member at the cultural center where the black greek frats and sororities often threw their parties.

Is it too much to ask for an original party flyer? This is about the fifty-leventh party flyer I've seen featuring a scantily clad big booty woman who is most definitely NOT going to be at the party in question. Where do they even find these pictures anyway? Is there like a stock photo site where you can just purchase a pic of a near naked woman wearing the right colors? These flyers quite obviously objectify the woman in the photo and hint that party hosts have little to no respect for women (or grasp on reality) and I don't understand the point.

Why are there rarely (if ever) any men on the flyers? Aren't they going to be at the party too? It's probably because a picture of a man with his crotch out trying to grab you in the dark isn't very enticing. Neither is the picture of some dude posted up on the wall staring at you and your friends deciding who he wants to choose. I'm not saying that in order to make things equitable, I'd like to see scantily clad men, or men being objectified (both rare occurrences in my experience). I understand that the women pictured serve to entice men to come (although these women will NOT be at the party) but what is supposed to be attractive to women about these flyers? The only thing this says to me is COME BE OBJECTIFIED. Yet women will still be at this party, possibly more women then men. What does it mean that we as women see a flyer like this, question or don't question the portrayal, and still go to the event? What is this flyer's message about the value or purpose of women at this party? Does it mean that we accept this message if we attend?

P.S. If you think flyers like this don't affect the real women who attend these parties, consider this: I worked a Pretty-Nasty (Kappa-Que) party at the Af-Am House and saw a girl dressed just like this. Black lacy panties, bra and some dude's shirt. WHY???? Everyone else was (relatively) fully dressed (because it's cold here up north). Giving her side-eyes and wide-eyes and sending up prayers for her. Sometimes we complain about the general media portrayal of Black women but we forget that Black people are creating and we are consuming the same portrayals.

Hopefully I'll start posting more regularly. Switched up the layout and I need to practice my writing so I'll try to post more. Let me know what you think.

Musing #162: "Green" African Art?

2011-07-20T13:58:00.000-04:00

Nigerian artist Gerald Chukwuma makes pieces of art from recycled recharge cards. I loved his metaphor of a caterpillar turning into a butterfly for making his art. As cliché as it may sound it's still resonates with how I view many artists who turn their raw material and make them beautiful. I'm not artistic but I guess I can look forward to turning raw data into stories. Grad school update coming soon!

Musing #161: "Pain is Weakness Leaving the Body"

2011-07-20T13:46:00.002-04:00

Author's note: This may read like an unsolicited advice column, and I guess it is. It's a coherent, fully formed blog post and for that I am really grateful.

A common adage for athletes is "pain is weakness leaving the body". Sports teams put it on the back of their T-shirts, coaches recite it during pep talks, athletes meditate on it to relieve their bitterness about terrible workouts. I understand the meaning of the phrase, that enduring and overcoming pain in the present leads to future strength. It seems like this should translate outside of the athletic arena and into the personal arena. That this pithy saying might motivate someone during hard times. "This pain you're experiencing, it's really weakness leaving your body (or mind/spirit/soul/whatever)." But from my observations, it doesn't really work like that. Sometimes--maybe even often--this pain we experience only makes us weaker. Especially when we're dealing with it alone. We isolate ourselves, alienate our loved ones, are unsure of the directions to take, have a hard time being productive, etc etc. Not of this sounds like weakness leaving us. The key thing to focus on here though, is overcoming the pain. Simply experiencing a painful workout does not make us stronger. We can't walk very well after, we're slower, more tentative with steps, etc. Eventually tho the process of healing from the microtears in our muscles does strengthen them. Similarly, simply being in a trial does NOT make you stronger, but actively working to overcome it does.

Healthy bodies naturally repair themselves after hard workouts but our emotional muscles are slightly different. You cannot usually go through a traumatic period and just emerge stronger, having "dealt" with it. We have to take intentional steps to recover from emotional or spiritual pain and wounds. That is why we have community to lean on. When they are not equipped to help us with our particular hurt (or are the cause of it), counseling and therapy (spiritual or otherwise) become key. Whatever you choose to do to overcome your past pain and trauma the most important thing to remember is that it is an active process.

From my own experience trying to get over things, the following is my ideal process. Healing is fluid and can't be completely controlled but it can be facilitated by active, intentional steps and faith that you won't suffer the effects of your trauma forever. It is important to reflect on thoughts, feelings and actions that may be counterproductive and destructive and analyze what may be behind them. If you cannot get enough clarity or be objective about why, it is important to consult with someone who can. Once causes have been identified, action can be taken. I strongly believe in experienced professional advice but sometimes that is not possible. Prayer was really important and helpful for me. If nothing else, I was able to voice my frustrations to God. I wasn't sure what would happen as a result but sometimes telling God how you're truly feeling doubles as confronting how you're reacting to a situation and that it's not the best way. That in itself can be extremely valuable in changing negative thoughts, feelings, and actions. Once your recognize the problem, efforts can be made and grace can (and should!) be requested to help fix them.

Below are some Bible verses that may be helpful to meditate on.
Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (NIV)

Psalm 34:7-9
The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him,
and he delivers them.
Taste and see that the LORD is good;
blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.
Fear the LORD, you his saints,
for those who fear him lack nothing. (NIV)

I am definitely available to prayer for and with anyone who is dealing with something in particular right now. I really believe that prayer can change situations and am the daughter of a prayer warrior. It can't hurt right?

Musing #158: Update because I GRADUATED

2011-07-05T22:52:00.000-04:00

Wow.

A lot has happened since I last blogged back in February so here's a brief update. Mainly, I graduated from Yale University with a BS in Psychology and distinction in my major. Praise God! The weekend was jam-packed and I really enjoyed it but I was EXHAUSTED afterwards. I had to finish packing and moving all my things and was supposed to start my reunion job the day after Commencement. I didn't end up making it to work that day but I did get all my things moved and stored thanks to my wonderful family.

After Commencement I stayed on campus to work the class reunions. I've done it the past two summers but this last time feels different. One, I was slightly over it. I don't like the hours, the random assortment of work, and my assignment had relatively little interaction with alumni. The second reason it feels different is that I'm technically an alum as well! And it's still strange to think that in 5 years I may come back to Yale for a big party with the people who changed my life in the place that expanded my dreams beyond what I could have imagined for myself.

After reunions, I didn't have on-campus housing for a week so I went to Boston to hang out with my cousins, Udy and Ijeoma and got my hair braided! It looks terrific right now, especially after the awkward heat damage I sustained. Udy did a great job. Now I'm back on campus working my final two-week gig, a pre-MBA program hosted by the School of Management.

Ok, tata for now! Hopefully the posts will be more frequent since it's summer! But this pre-MBA program is a bit more than I anticipated and I need to prep for the GRE (I'm taking it on July 18th in Arizona) so maybe not. I have at least one more coming soon :) Welcome to the new followers! I haven't even posted in four months so I'm surprised you're here, but thanks!

Musing #160: Our Security

2011-07-05T14:01:00.000-04:00

From Pure: A 90-Day Devotional for the Mind, the Body & the Spirit by Rebecca St. James

I got this devotional from my cousin's husband while I was in Nigeria over Christmas break. When I first saw the title I have to admit, I felt a little indignant. Like hey, you don't think I'm pure??? But I accepted the book and chilled out when I read that it's about purity of the mind body and spirit, not just some tome about how girls need to close their legs or something. I started the devotional when I got back on campus and it was actually really good and I've really appreciated the devotionals.

Anyway, as Romans 3:23 says, "for ALL have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God". So I can't pretend like that I don't need to meditate on purity everyday for 90 days. Plus Romans 8:28, "All things work together for the good of those who love God and who are called according to his purpose." (I included the second one because sometimes I quote the first one and think it's 8:28 but it's not! But 8:28 is a nice comforting one as well).

Okay on to the devotional:

Day Fifty-Six
Our Security

You can go to bed without fear; you will lie down and sleep soundly. You need not be afraid of sudden disaster or the destruction that comes upon the wicked for the Lord is your security. He will keep your foot from being caught in a trap.
-Proverbs 3:24-26 NLT

Excerpt from the reflection:

We all need to know that real and lasting security is found in God. We all have a basic need to be protected, cocooned in love, and sheltered from danger.

During a difficult time in my life when I felt very alone, disillusioned, and unprotected, I often cried out to God in desperation. My future looked bleak and empty. Because of what was going on in me internally, I went into a self-protection mode. I began to shut off and shut down. I shared my situation and pain with my pastor. After listening to my concerns, he said, "Rebecca, is God trustworthy?" When I answered in the affirmative, he said, "Then trust Him." Those words of wisdom were so powerful. I finally realized how much I had been relying on myself, trying to be strong and independent rather than finding my identity and protection in God.

Looking further:
When King David felt vulnerable and susceptible to various attacks from his enemies, he pictured God covering him with the shadow of His powerful wings. What a vivid image of God's shelter and strength for His loved ones!

"Show me your unfailing love in wonderful ways. By your mighty power you rescue those who seek refuge from their enemies. Guard me as you would guard your own eyes. Hide me in the shadow of your wings" (Ps. 17:7-8 NLT)
"How precious is your unfailing love, O God! All humanity finds shelter in the shadow of your wings" (Ps. 36:7, NLT)
"Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy on me, for in you my soul takes refuge. I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed" (Ps 57:1)
"Because you are my helper, I sing for joy in the shadow of your wings. I cling to you; your strong right hand hold me securely" (Ps 63:7-8, NLT)

Additional questions:
What makes you feel better when you sense that you are alone and unprotected?
What is your biggest source of shelter in the midst of a storm?
Do you believe that God can protect you?
How can you make God your greatest source of security in the future?

Which reminds me, on Sunday I was riding home from California back home to Surprise and it started to get dark, then lightning kept flashing all around us and we got off the freeway and were headed toward the lightning, then there was this flash rainstorm, torrential rain pouring down, beating our car, the road was super dark and lonely and winding and we went on like that for about 30 miles and it was just TERRIFYING. I have never been so happy to see the not-so-bright lights of Surprise, Arizona IN MY LIFE. I was praying the whole way back and was so scared so THANK GOD FOR PROTECTION and for sheltering my family in the shadow of His wings.

Musing #159: The Inevitable Penalty

2011-07-04T13:45:00.005-04:00

From My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers:

July 1

The Inevitable Penalty

"Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still with him on the way, or he may hand you over to the judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison. I tell you the truth, you will not get out until you have paid the last penny."-Matthew 5:25-26

There is no heaven that has a little corner of hell in it. God is determined to make you pure, holy, and right, and He will not allow you to escape from the scrutiny of the Holy Spirit for even one moment. He urged you to come to judgment immediately when He convicted you, but you did not obey. Then the inevitable process began to work, bringing its inevitable penalty. Now you have been "thrown into prison, [and]...you will by no mans get out of there till you have paid the last penny" (Matthew 5:25-26). Yet you ask, "Is this a God of mercy and love?" When seen from God's perspective, it is a glorious ministry of love. God is going to bring you out pure, spotless, and undefiled but He wants you to recognize the nature you were exhibiting--the nature of demanding your right to yourself. The moment you are willing for God to change your nature, His recreating forces will begin to work. And the moment you realize that God's purpose is to get you into the right relationship with Himself and then with others, He will reach to the very limits of the universe to help you take the right road. Decide to do it right now, saying, "Yes, Lord, I will write that letter," or, "I will be reconciled to that person now."

These sermons of Jesus Christ are meant for your will and your conscience, not for your head. If you dispute these verses from the Sermon on the Mount with your head, you will dull the appeal to your heart.

If you find yourself asking, "I wonder why I'm not growing spiritually with God?"--then ask yourself if you are paying your debts from God's standpoint. Do now what you will have to do someday. Every moral question or call comes with an "ought" behind it--the knowledge of knowing what we ought to do.

-----

This entire devotional really struck me the day I was reading it. Particularly because I had been feeling conviction in my heart about a certain behavior of mine but hadn't really decided to act on my conviction. Then I wake up Thursday morning or so and decide to start doing my devotionals again which I haven't been consistent with since around commencement or so and this is what I'm confronted with.

There is no heaven that has a little corner of hell in it. This first sentence was so unexpected. I felt slapped out of my temporary spiritual slump (which I felt happening and knew deep down would happen since I didn't have a community like BCAY to throw myself into). It not only made crystal clear what I was to do about the particular conviction I was feeling but also called into question the whole way I had been living life post Yale sans BCAY. Further, I think compartmentalization is a huge part of the way I live and cope with life's trials and hard things and I can think of different "little corners of hell" I've had in my life. I often just pretend they're not there and try to avoid getting burned by them when what I should probably do is extinguish them.

Of course this is Earth, not heaven, so there are more than just corners of hell in the world around us. This warning about "corners of hell" refer specifically to our relationship as Christians with the Trinity (God, the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit) and our faith. Though we stumble, we cannot accept our falls, we have to do our best to fix our thoughts, words, and actions as soon as possible.

Do now what you will have to do someday. Whether Chambers meant eventually paying debts to the person wronged in this life or the next, I'm not sure, he probably meant both. In the scripture referenced we can see that the advice is to deal these issues before they get out of hand. Before the corner of fire burns down the whole building. In the physical sense, some sins lead to others, in the interpersonal sense, some wrongs snowball till you end up paying 5-10x the original debt (credit card debt??) or you've wronged 5-10 other people, and in the spiritual sense, not dealing with our sins can lead us to burn in hell for all eternity.

Do now what you will have to do someday.

Musing #157: Let's not forget Kelley Williams-Bolar

2011-02-14T16:57:00.000-05:00

http://www.change.org/petitions/gov-john-kasich-pardon-kelley-williams-bolar----she-shouldnt-go-to-jail-for-protecting-her-kid

"An Ohio mother of two was sentenced to 10 days in jail and placed on three years probation after sending her kids to a school district in which they did not live. Kelley Williams-Bolar was sentenced by Judge Patricia Cosgrove on Tuesday and will begin serving her sentence immediately. The jury deliberated for seven hours and the courtroom was packed as the sentence was handed down. She was convicted on two counts of tampering with court records after registering her two girls as living with Williams Bolar's father when they actually lived with her. The family lived in the housing projects in Akron, Ohio, and the father’s address was in nearby Copley Township. Additionally, Williams-Bolar’s father, Edward L. Williams, was charged with a fourth-degree felony of grand theft, in which he and his daughter are charged with defrauding the school system for two years of educational services for their girls. The court determined that sending their children to the wrong school was worth $30,500 in tuition. - Dr. Boyce Watkins

As punishment for doing everything in her power to keep her children safe, Ms. Williams-Bolar, a single mother with no previous criminal record, has been made a felon by Ohio judge Patricia Cosgrove. In addition to jail time, a large fine and probation, Ms. Williams-Bolar's felony conviction has also robbed her of her future.

"'Because of the felony conviction, you will not be allowed to get your teaching degree under Ohio law as it stands today. The court's taking into consideration that is also a punishment that you will have to serve.'' - Judge Patricia Cosgrove

Although Ms. Williams-Bolar had nearly completed her education to become a teacher, under Ohio law felons are not permitted to teach. She has been robbed of the opportunity to elevate her life and the lives of her family through her own hard work. She has been handed what equates to a life sentence for attempting to protect her children. In a time of overwhelming economic disadvantage for so many US citizens, are loving single mothers like Williams-Bolar truly the enemy our court system should be making examples of in this way?

Ms. Williams-Bolar's attorneys are currently preparing for an appeal. Please sign this petition to let Gov. Kasich know that you do not feel that Kelley Williams-Bolar's punishment appropriately fits her crime, and that you both support and demand a full pardon.

Boyce Watkins, PhD, on AOL Black Voices:

The idea that citizens are now being put in jail for attempting to access educational equality is nothing short of being Jim Crow-like in nature… Dr. Martin Luther King reminded us many years ago that a moral man or woman has the right to violate unjust laws. Williams-Bolar's decision to break the law of educational apartheid to give her daughters a better future is no different from those who broke the law to teach slaves how to read. Access to education should be a fundamental American right, but as it stands, being poor has now become a crime, especially if you have the audacity to demand equality.

Musing #156: Letter to My Seniors-Go Out Without Knowing!

2011-02-08T09:13:00.000-05:00

Hi friend,

Thank you for the invitation to be in prayer with you. I prayed yesterday when I received this email and then today I was reading an updated version of My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers and came across this devotional and thought of you. It seemed applicable to the new questions that are cropping up at this time of transition. Maybe the passages surrounding the included verses will be helpful for meditation.

January 2
Will You Go Out Without Knowing?

He went out, not knowing where he was going. --Hebrews 11:8

Have you ever "gone out" in this way? If so, there is no logical answer possible when anyone asks you what you are doing. One of the most difficult questions to answer in Christian work is, "What do you expect to do?" You don't know what you are going to do. The only thing you know is that God knows what He is doing. Continually examine your attitude toward God to see if you are will to "go out" in every area of your life, trusting in God entirely. It is this attitude that keeps you in constant wonder, because you don't know what God is going to do next. Each morning as you wake, there is a new opportunity to "go out", building your confidence in God. "...do not worry about your life...nor about the body..." (Luke 12:22). In other words, don't worry about the things that concerned you before you did "go out".
Have you been asking God what he is going to do? He will never tell you. God does not tell you what He is going to do--He reveals to you who He is. Do you believe in a miracle-working God, and will you "go out" in complete surrender to Him until you are not surprised one iota by anything He does?
Believe God is always the God you know Him to be when you are nearest to Him. Then think how unnecessary and disrespectful worry is! Let the attitude of your life be continual willingness to "go out" in dependence upon God, and your life will have a sacred and inexpressible charm about it that is very satisfying to Jesus. You must learn to "go out" through your convictions, creeds, or experiences until you come to the point in your faith where there is nothing between yourself and God.

May there be something in this devotional that speaks to you. I will continue to be in prayer.

Ivy

Musing #155: Heartlight Verse of the Day

2011-02-06T08:38:00.000-05:00

TODAY'S VERSE from HEARTLIGHT -- http://www.heartlight.org/

February 6, 2011

VERSE:
Seek good, not evil, that you may live. Then the LORD God
Almighty will be with you, just as you say he is.
--Amos 5:14

THOUGHT:
Isn't it amazing how many people claim God is on their side. God
has been "claimed" by those seeking to enforce slavery, practice
prejudice, lie, bribe officials, practice hypocrisy, force
injustice on the powerless, and practice "ethnic cleansing." But
God makes the test pretty simple: do what is good, seek after the
good, or you're not related to him! In the words of the prophet
Amos, that meant equity for all peoples in court, in the
marketplace, and in the place of worship. If we're claiming God is
on our side, then we'd better draw close to the side of God, the
side of goodness, justice, and mercy as God defines them!

PRAYER:
Precious and Almighty God, full of mercy and lover of justice
and fairness, I praise you for your concern for those who are often
forgotten. By the presence of your Holy Spirit within me, convict
me when I side with evil and oppression and stir me to work for the
salvation of others, of my culture, and of my world -- not just
eternal salvation, but salvation from evil and hatred that are so
prevalent. May your Kingdom dawn more brightly in our world as it
does in your heart and will for us. In Jesus' name. Amen.

http://www.heartlight.org/cgi-shl/todaysverse.cgi?day=20110206

Musing #154: Words of encouragement from our buddy Paul

2011-02-04T12:00:00.010-05:00

These verses have always offered me a lot of comfort whenever I come across them. I won't do any in-depth analysis (not that I'm really qualified for all that) but I just wanted to share.

Philippians 4: 4-13

Final Exhortations

⁴ Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! ⁵ Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. ⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

⁸ Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. ⁹ Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

Thanks for Their Gifts
¹⁰ I rejoiced greatly in the Lord that at last you renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you were concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. ¹¹ I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. ¹² I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. ¹³ I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

Musing #153: Isaiah 58-Will God Ignore Our Prayers if We Ignore the Pleas of the Poor?

2011-02-03T12:00:00.000-05:00

Read the following passage closely and consider it's implications. How do we feel about the fact that God may be ignoring our worship/praise/prayer because we are ignoring the needs of those around us? How are we going to get moving?

(consider replacing fast with worship or prayer or however you choose to relate to God)

Isaiah 58

True Fasting

¹ “Shout it aloud, do not hold back.
   Raise your voice like a trumpet.
Declare to my people their rebellion
   and to the descendants of Jacob their sins.
² For day after day they seek me out;
   they seem eager to know my ways,
as if they were a nation that does what is right
   and has not forsaken the commands of its God.
They ask me for just decisions
   and seem eager for God to come near them.
³ ‘Why have we fasted,’ they say,
   ‘and you have not seen it?
Why have we humbled ourselves,
   and you have not noticed?’    “Yet on the day of your fasting, you do as you please
   and exploit all your workers.
⁴ Your fasting ends in quarreling and strife,
   and in striking each other with wicked fists.
You cannot fast as you do today
   and expect your voice to be heard on high.
⁵ Is this the kind of fast I have chosen,
   only a day for people to humble themselves?
Is it only for bowing one’s head like a reed
   and for lying in sackcloth and ashes?
Is that what you call a fast,
   a day acceptable to the LORD?
⁶ “Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:
to loose the chains of injustice
   and untie the cords of the yoke,
to set the oppressed free
   and break every yoke?
⁷ Is it not to share your food with the hungry
   and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter—
when you see the naked, to clothe them,
   and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?
⁸ Then your light will break forth like the dawn,
   and your healing will quickly appear;
then your righteousness^[a] will go before you,
   and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.
⁹ Then you will call, and the LORD will answer;
   you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.
   “If you do away with the yoke of oppression,
   with the pointing finger and malicious talk,
¹⁰ and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry
   and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,
then your light will rise in the darkness,
   and your night will become like the noonday.
¹¹ The LORD will guide you always;
   he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
   and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
   like a spring whose waters never fail.
¹² Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins
   and will raise up the age-old foundations;
you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls,
   Restorer of Streets with Dwellings.
¹³ “If you keep your feet from breaking the Sabbath
   and from doing as you please on my holy day,
if you call the Sabbath a delight
   and the LORD’s holy day honorable,
and if you honor it by not going your own way
   and not doing as you please or speaking idle words,
¹⁴ then you will find your joy in the LORD,
   and I will cause you to ride in triumph on the heights of the land
   and to feast on the inheritance of your father Jacob.”
            For the mouth of the LORD has spoken.

Musing #152: Great Christian Reads

2011-02-02T12:00:00.000-05:00

I highly recommend the following books. I've read them over the past few weeks and they have been super challenging as far as living out my faith post-college (in the "real world") and what my response will be to the "least of these" near and far away. If I say I believe in equality and justice, how am I showing that with my actions? If I call myself a Christian, how am I carrying out what Christ commanded? I'll likely be digging deeper into these themes in the next few posts because I've been thinking a lot and I want to share with all of you but in the meantime, here are the book suggestions*.

Following Jesus in the Real World: Discipleship for the Post-College Years by Richard Lamb

This book really helped me feel at peace about the uncertainty regarding life after college and challenged me about my decisions as far as where to go, what to do, etc etc. I really suggest it for anyone at a crossroads in life or anyone considering a life change.

The Hole in our Gospel by Richard Stearns, president of World Vision

A HUGE challenge to contemporary, insulated American Christianity. This book urges readers to embrace the whole Gospel, with its message of caring for the poor, oppressed, sick, and downtrodden with action, instead of focusing on just evangelism (converting people to Christianity) without caring for the whole person. CAUTION: It's a tearjerker but the injustice and oppression facing many people in the world deserves tears that inspire action.

This book also has some great quotations but I gave my copy to a man on my plane from San Antonio to Boston so I can't post them now. I will as soon as I lay my hands on another copy.

Celebration of Discipline by Richard Foster

This book provides practical teachings on the importance of different spiritual disciplines. I plan to reread it, this time attempting to actually work on the disciplines because I am convinced that strengthening them will help me be a better Christian and a more effective tool for God.

Half the Sky: Turning Oppression Into Opportunity For Women Worldwide by Nicholas D. Kristof and Sheryl WuDunn

This is actually a secular book but it's right in line with The Hole in Our Gospel in that it urges readers to take action in the fight against the mistreatment of women worldwide. Another tearjerker, but again, tears alone are useless, learning about the terrible situation that women face in this country and abroad must incite us to action to break the systems of oppression that allow this to happen.

I hope that you can read of these books and then we can talk about it. I've enjoyed all of them and I'd love to know what you think.

*The Christian books were all written by men named Richard. Weird!

Musing #151: The Way We Think About Women

2011-02-01T13:37:00.000-05:00

Today, I was reading this article in a magazine called Voice Male: Changing Men in Changing Times called "Women's Bodies, Men's Minds" by Lillian Hsu. Some impactful quotes follow.

There is a good speech in the move The Devil Wears Prada where Meryl Streep, the "high priestess" reigning over the staff of a major fashion magazine, attempts to teach a new hire a cold truth about the world of fashion. A woman selects a cerulean blue sweater she sees in a department store and thinks she is making a personal choice that reflects her individuality. She does not think of the fact that the particular cerulean blue of the sweater was determined by someone nine months ago, made it through manufacturing, and ended up in thousands of department stores, where it will be selected by thousands of women, each thinking she has made a personal choice.

I think of this speech when I hear men or women speak about what they think is the most universally "attractive" body type. We are fed thousands of images a day through advertising and media that tell us we want bodies, not people, and exactly what that body should look like, and then individuals will say their personal favorite is that body type. What we think of as "beauty" is culturally determined and changes over time. We have been robbed of the ability to see beauty in everyone. And yet we choose to be robbed if we allow such tyranny to distort our humanity and determine how we think.

AND

Men have mothers, sisters, daughters, granddaughters, aunts, nieces, and female friends and loved ones. I want men to understand that all of these loved ones are seen as objects of sexism and male violence in every one of its forms--insults, predatory behavior, demeaning comments, threats, domination, rape, assault, and humiliation--all based on the simple fact that they are female.

Many people think that they are unaffected by the media and that since they are not explicitly sexist, they are off the hook. This is untrue. Each of us needs to examine our thinking, our words, and our actions. What are you unconsciously doing, thinking and saying that might contribute to the dehumanization of women? For example, freshman year a couple of my friends actually considered having their wives sign a sort of pre-nuptial agreement allowing a divorce if the wives gained too much weight. At the time, I laughed but was incredulous and upset. Of course, this led to me looking like I was over sensitive. But what does it mean if these two "good Black men" actually considered divorcing their future wife on the basis of her weight? What does this mean about the way her other virtues, her personality, her other contributions to the marriage are valued in relation to her body? What happened to unconditional love? Where is the mutual respect there?

Our society's preoccupation with beauty and looks is upsetting because it only serves as a distraction from things that are truly important and worthy of concern. What about rampant inequality? What about poverty? What about mental illnesses? What about the kids? Shouldn't someone's contribution to society be more valuable than their weight or appearance? Thoughts?

Musing #150: There is No Love Without Sacrifice: MLK Reflection

2011-01-17T12:00:00.008-05:00

As Christians we are only called to do two things--love God, and love our neighbors as ourselves. Those are the two greatest commandments. They sum up the entirety of the law and Jesus' ministry on earth. (Matthew 22:36-40) That is all we need to do. When we wonder what God's will is for our lives, we already have the answer, "love God and love people". That is it. It seems strange, anti-climactic almost. Shouldn't God's will be more dramatic, more unexpected? Shouldn't it be harder, more complicated?

Complications arise when we try to figure out whether or not our current lifestyle is one where we are loving God and other people to the extent that Christ called us to. As my pastor says, "there is no love without sacrifice". That means we have to inconvenience our lives for the sake of God and others. If we're able to fit our life neatly into the status quo, knowing that we're part of an inherently unjust system designed to oppress portions of the population, are we loving sacrificially like the good Samaritan (Luke 10:25-37)?

As I consider what I am going to do after Yale it's been really important for me to make sure that what I do either directly helps other people or allows me the time to engage in ministry through a church that will help other people. (A really good book that I read over break helped me reach this conclusion "Following Jesus in the Real World"--Yalies can get it from Josh Williams or Greg Hendrickson) And today it was laid on my heart that it's not enough to just provide for the needs of people who are less fortunate, we really need to fight to change the system that doesn't care for or provide for all people. Jesus said that if we fail to care for the "least of these" in our societies, he won't acknowledge us, in fact he'll command us to get away from him and literally go to hell (Matthew 25:31-46). One way to care for people is to provide them food, shelter, health care. Another way is to fight the system that perpetuates their oppression.

Each of us has individual skills and passions that must be used to fight poverty and inequality from all sides. A multi-pronged approach is the only way any headway will be made against the ills and hate in our society. As we reflect on the life and work of the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., it is imperative that we each seek our own way to fight the injustice that continues to plague this country and our world.

Musing # 149: Music with a Message: "Niger Delta" by Levelz

2010-12-15T22:58:00.000-05:00

I love music with a message and this one's an important one affecting my country. Elections will be happening at the end of January and I will be praying that Nigeria enters a new political era. That our politicians start to actually be accountable to the people and that some of these intractable problems actually begin to be solved. I know it sounds idealistic but it's HIGH TIME Nigeria got its act together. It's been more than embarrassing.

Musing #148: P.U.S.H.- Pray Until Something Happens

2010-12-15T14:57:00.001-05:00

Update: I'm home!!! Yay! I'll try to post everyday, if not multiple times a day, to make up for my severe neglect of this blog over the semester.

Random Fact: I went to a beauty salon called P.U.S.H in high school. It's interesting how Black beauty spaces can be really religious spaces. (*anyone in need of a thesis topic?*)

I've personally seen prayer do wonders. I believe that it's helped me get through Yale, avoid foolishness and disaster, and provided me and my family undeserved favor.

If you need prayer for something send me an email, Facebook message, leave a comment here, whatever. I'm starting a prayer list and if you want/need to be on it, let me know. I'll also be fasting at some point over break and I want to make sure to intercede for my community.

A couple of cool quotes for today's post:

No one is a firmer believer in the power of prayer than the devil; not that he practices it, but he suffers from it. ~Guy H. King

Trouble and perplexity drive me to prayer and prayer drives away perplexity and trouble. ~Philip Melanchthen

Musing #147: The Numbers Game

2010-12-09T01:54:00.004-05:00

On Facebook yesterday we played something called the numbers game. In order to play you say in your status that you're collecting numbers. People message you a random number and you reply with one of your own. Then you each use that number in a status update about the person. You can write about how you met, what you admire, basically just something about them. It can be as anonymous as you like and it was so fun!

At first I was salty and upset by how people were filling up my news feed but one of my friends was playing and writing all these nice things about people so I couldn't resist the chance to read something nice about me in the midst of all that. I sent her my number and she sent me one back--I didn't realize it was reciprocal! That's how I got sucked in but I'm really glad I did. I got to write some positive things about people that I never really get to share and I got to read some really nice things about me. Then I got the bright idea to save them for posterity (nothing on the internet is ever deleted :-/). I figure, why not just put them up here? I won't lose this like I might a piece of paper or document on a computer. Plus you all get to read how great I am ;-) (I figure my mom will really appreciate this)

Enjoy!

‎#23 i feel like we've been around each other a lot over the past 4 years, but i dont know how close we are. nevertheless i like you alot. your smile is contagious, and your depth is intriguing. you've made me think twice about various things and that kind of intellectual stimulation is worth alot in my book. i wish i was as friendly as you.

#23- You're someone who inspires a lot of people. You are so on point and you do everything with a smile on your face. There is never a dull moment around you. I really wish we could replace the few lames at this school with more #23s. #23- that's such an appropriate number.

#23 I think you are an wonderful and inspiring young woman. I appreciate your focus, diligence, Faith, passion, and you’re strong sense of self. You are not ashamed to be on your academic grind, yet you still manage to be very approachable, sociable, and fun to be around. You have done and continue to do many great things on campus and I know there is sooo much more to come To you and From you after graduation.

‎#23 - I'm glad to have you as a friend. We have shared many times of laughter and good discussions - I have enjoyed these times together. I appreciate your kindness (even when you hosted me during bulldog days), leadership, and on-point-ness (I know that's not a word lol). I think you are a beautiful person inside and out. I definitely respect you and I'm glad you're in my life. #23 (cont.) - Love you and I think you, like all of my favorite members of your class, should stay until May 2012. But, since that won't happen, I look forward to seeing you at the 45th anniversary of the House lol. And I look forward to all of the wonderful things in store in your life. God bless you! :)

#23 ohhh myyyy wherrre do i start!! i just want to start laughing thinking of allll the HILARIOUS times we have had!! we've probably had more experiences together than i can even count!!! it's always a good time with u and i love that even when we haven't talked in awhile we can always start right back where we left off!...#23 (cont'd) u seriously crack me up and as much fun as we have i love that i can also be serious with u and trust u with so much. friends forever! can't wait to see u when u come home! (i had to split this up cuz it was too long lol)

Dear 23 just found out that u memorized my willow canyon song lol ha ur really smart and getting 2 know u wuld have been great from what I know about u is that ur really smart and u are the only person I know that has ever been 2 yale. Yeah ur smart. And let's see ur pretty and a hard worker

‎#23- I don't know u completely but I can already tell ur a powerful individual n someone I wanna know better as I feel I will mature thru ur inspiration. A very intellectual human being with class that can't be duplicated!! N I DON'T COMPLETELY KNOW U oh n ur beauty is really original, please don't fault me if I stare lol

23-you have such an amazing presence here at Yale. I love that you are so open and kind, and you're warm spirit is unmatched. I appreciate everything you do for me and the black community at Yale as a whole. Plus, you're FLY! Duhh, that's all I associate with. I'm expecting GREAT things from you in the future. Love ya mucho! P.S. We should catch a meal soon :-)

#23 - one of the few people who I think really took the time to welcome me to Yale and that will always mean a lot to me. your friendship is one of the reasons why i love this place and can't imagine not being here next year. you get me and my humor in a way that a lot of people don't. when you ask how i'm doing, i know that the answer matters to you.also, janky is not an option with you and that's refreshing and rare. basically, you're amazing!

#23 I honestly don't know very much about you, but I genuinely like you as if I did lol. You just strike me as a very kind person who is also sincerely interested in what I have to say. I'm not big on empty conversation, so I appreciate that quality. In retrospect, looking back on my college experience, I wish we had become better friends.

‎#23 AAHAHAHA!! Some of my greatest laughs were with you!! Everyday I'd look forward to seeing you just so we could be stupid. You're such a smart woman, I still brag about just knowing someone as smart as you, no lie. "oh really? ASU? I have a friend that goes to yale. well, have a nice day!" lol. so much I can say but so little space, Miss you!!

#23: You are such a G (if you didn't get that recently from my 3+ emails telling you this fact). You are one of the most inspirational people I know, both in all of the things that you do, and all of the things that you inspire ME to do. Not only have we only met once, but we've been friends for less than a year (since the time that I creepily told you I read your blog). Can you believe that!? I can't. Anyway, you are downright awesome. :)

‎#23: Summer '09 was epic and I'm so glad that you were such a huge part of it & then followed by that vacation to PR? Snap! I love your humor and that you're so level-headed. I don't think I ever told you, but when we were roomies you taught me to also be calm, collected, and positive. I can't wait for you to get to UCLA, I've already saved you a seat at the library..& at the bar ;)

NOTE: I promise that I'll be back over break! I just need to write these papers!!

Musing 146: Writing, writing, writing!

2010-12-03T12:29:00.001-05:00

My apologies for the HUGE gap since I last posted. I have some drafts started but nothing done.

This time in the semester (finals) is always a bit of a struggle and my computer just conked out on me (UGH).

In the meantime, while I get my life together, check out this article I wrote for our campus' feminist magazine, Broad Recognition. It's called "At the 'Whipping' Block: Popular Media and the Black Woman".

As soon as I do the final edits for my stories for Intro to Fiction Writing, I'll post some of those too.

Also, I don't know if I ever posted this opinion piece ("The wrong kind of response"--their title, not mine) I wrote for the Yale Daily News in October. It was in response to this nonsense*, entitled "The right kind of feminism". Here is an op-ed from Jeff Gordon, president of the Yale College Council (we're also floormates in Saybrook :), called "The battle is far from over".

*Read this one first, then the other two.

For all my collegiate readers stuck in the midst of finals or other craziness, this too shall pass! I for one, go home on December 14th and cannot wait!!

Musing #145: Psalm 23 Activity

2010-11-07T12:00:00.000-05:00

Below is Psalm 23, in which David describes his relationship and life with God. In Women's Group a few weeks ago we completed an activity where we rewrote the psalm as if we didn't have God. We were told to invert each verse or section in our own words. If you have time, do the activity, then look at mine.

Psalm 23

1 The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.

2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,

3 he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.

4 Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.

6 Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord

forever.

My alternate version:

1 I have no guidance, I need so much.

2 I lie down on dry prickly grass,
beside a crashing, noisy waterfall,

3 my soul is exhausted.
I follow a path of sin and depravity
to appease my flesh.

4 Even though I stand
on a mountaintop, in full sunlight,
I fear good things.
No one is with me.
I am unsettled.

5 I am hungry and embarrassed
in front of my enemies.
I have no favor, no blessings.

6 Evil and hate will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will spend eternity in hell*
forever and ever.

"My" version was especially unsettling because I've felt this way before even though I have a relationship with God. Doing this activity helped me understand that the times I felt like the second version were times were I felt far from God. It makes me want to do whatever I can to stay in that first version.

What did you think? Feel free to share your psalms in the comment section.

*Apart from God

Musing #144: For Colored Girls Reaction

2010-11-06T01:56:00.000-04:00

This evening I went with the Yale Black Women's Coalition to see "For Colored Girls", a movie based on the choreopoem "For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow is Enuf" by Ntozake Shange. I've never read or seen the play but many of my friends rave about it so I was excited to see it.

While I enjoyed the film as much as one can enjoy a movie like this, I left the theater with a very heavy heart. So many terrible things happened to the characters in the film. It really bothered me that not one of them was fine.* There was always something absolutely awful that they had to deal with. I understand that it's important to portray issues like rape, alcoholism, cheating, HIV, fertility problems, teen pregnancy, abortion, etc but I really wished that it at least ended on a positive note.

This movie reminded me of "Precious", the film in which every terrible thing that could happen to a Black woman, happens to this young teenager. For Colored Girls was different because the problems were spread among like seven "ladies" who were associated with different colors. It just really bothers me that these highly anticipated films centered on Black women always seem to sensationalize the struggles and then offer no positive ending. I know that I have and will deal with tough issues. Does that mean my life is bleak and terrible? Absolutely not.

It is quite difficult to battle all these messages that being a Black woman is the toughest thing in the world. And it's not! Yes, I deal with the effects of sexism and racism and yes, it is frustrating to be at the bottom of the power hierarchy with the double bias of race and gender, but no, my life is not this continuous, terrible, depressing burden.

The other thing this movie left me with was an acute sense of all the hurt we do carry around with us. While I dislike that this women seemed to be defined by the awful things they experienced, the truth is that we do experience awful things. Recently past hurts have been pushing their way up in my consciousness from wherever I'd buried or suppressed them. The movie made me feel like maybe the distrust we can have for other people is justified. Why trust other people when they'll a) hurt you, b) ignore what has happened to you, c) ignore what is currently happening to you, d) some thing else? It feels like it makes more sense to just "push through", which is what Black women pride themselves on being able to do.

I always wonder, at what cost?

Ultimately, it's hard for me as a black woman, to watch terrible things happen to Black women, think about the bad things that have happened to me, and not feel like negative outcomes are inevitable. Maybe I'll just need to avoid media like this for a while.

*I guess the older woman in the apartment building was relatively fine. But she was all alone, her husband had died. In addition, she suffered endless disrespect from the lady in orange.

Musing #143: I love my hair video updated video with lyrics

2010-10-16T20:01:00.000-04:00

I found a better full version from the Sesame Street YouTube channel so I wanted to repost this. This one isn't bootlegged recorded from someone's TV lol.

I found the lyrics here.

Don’t need a trip to the beauty shop,
’cause I love what I got on top.
It’s curly and it’s brown and it’s right up there!
You know what I love? That’s right, my hair!
I really love my hair.
I love my hair. I love my hair.
There’s nothing else that can compare with my hair.
I love my hair, so I must declare:
I really, really, really love my hair.
Wear a clippy or in a bow
Or let it sit in an afro
My hair looks good in a cornrow
It does so many things you know, that’s why I let it grow
I love my hair, I love my hair
I love it and I have to share
I love my hair, I love my hair!
I want to make the world aware I love my hair.
I wear it up. I wear down. I wear it twisted all around.
I wear braids and pigtails too.
I love all the things my hair can do.
In barrettes or flying free, ever perfect tresses you’ll see
My hair is part of me, an awesome part of me
I really love my hair!

Musing #142: Three generations of women and the meaning of Igbo names

2010-10-14T12:00:00.010-04:00

grace

peace

blessing

those are names of the women in my maternal lineage.
those are the three things I need (along with Jesus) to live an abundant life.
those are my most valuable possessions.

Me and my grandmother

i don't know what my grandmother's igbo name was but i do know that her english first name was grace. grace is such a beautiful concept. i've heard it explained as something we don't deserve (forgiveness after wrongdoing, help with understanding something we haven't tried hard to grasp, support when we don't support others/believe in ourselves, etc). i'm really working on grace this year. i have a serious tendency to not be understanding when others don't have 'their act together'. never mind that i'm 5-10 minutes late to everything. everyone struggles with different parts of life and i am so grateful that people have grace for me when i'm late (among other things) so it's the least i can do to have grace for people when they let me down.

Me and my mother

my mother's igbo name means mercy, something i think is so important and so valuable for interpersonal situations and with ourselves. sometimes we just need to let ourselves and other people off the hook so that we can move forward. that can be way more life giving than just making sure that we or someone else gets the punishment we/they "deserve". after all if we all got what we deserved after hurting, deceiving, ignoring, hating, not loving, and being obstacles to other people...where would we be? her middle name is peace which is just a beautiful thing/concept and something i really strive for in the midst of worrying about various things. peace in the middle of crisis so that i can think, reflect and recharge.

My mother and her daughters

my first name means good luck and my middle name means blessing. for me, together this amounts to favor, which at times overwhelms me. i can relay countless instances where i've been shown favor, in class, at work, with regard to research, in my friendships, my shortcomings, just in every area of my life.

my sister's first name means (God) stay with me and her middle Igbo name means travel well. i think of her name as comfort and protection on a journey and it sums up what she can be for me and others around her, a steadying presence in this journey of life.

i thank God for the women in my family and all they've given me. as we move into this next phase in our lives my prayer is that we harness the power in the meanings of our names and remember them in our times of trouble.

**also, the strength of God, (the meaning of my brother's name) will always be important. can't leave him out :)

Musing #141: I love my hair (Video from Sesame Street)

2010-10-09T01:58:00.000-04:00

This is like the best thing ever! H/T to one of my fave blogs, BGLH.

I need to save this so I can show my future daughter. I'm so glad that this was on Sesame Street (loved that show!) and I really pray that the landscape and attitude toward natural hair continues to be pushed in this positive direction. I wonder how my outlook and self-esteem might have been different if I felt that way (dancing and singing) about my hair (or my skin, or my height, or my features). Hopefully, I don't forget what it was like and remember to create an environment where my children see themselves in a positive light.

I am so happy right now.

Musing #140: Hair Update

2010-10-05T12:00:00.002-04:00

It's been a while since I've posted about my hair and Najat asked me for an update. I'd like to report that today, one of my hair dreams came true and I accomplished a french roll! I am sooo proud! Pics below:

I did this style on stretched hair. For me that means I slept with it braided over night and unbraided my hair in the morning. This loosens my curl pattern a bit, revealing the length of my hair and allowing me greater versatility in styling options.

I started in the back and tucked the hair from the left side of my head under hair that I had pulled over from the right side of my head and rolled it before securing the hair with bobby pins along the roll. Then at the top I created a puff by pulling hair up and pining it at the the top of my head.

I did this style specifically for my Fulbright interview (prayers are appreciated).

Aside from that, at this point my hair is about this long with little to no manipulation:

At the Open House for the Afro-American Cultural Center

And this long stretched:

At the Metropolitan Museum of Art

As a reminder, my hair was this long when I first cut it in January 2009.

Now that's what I call progress

Musing #139: Can You Make me Happy?

2010-10-01T12:00:00.025-04:00

It seems to me that a central point of being in a relationship is being happy. This person's addition to your life is supposed to bring positive things that outweigh any negatives that might arise from their issues, concerns, quirks and faults. Whatever positive value they bring must also outweigh any potential implications arising from their issues, concerns, quirks and faults interacting with your issues, concerns, quirks, and faults. Basically, with the right person you're ultimately supposed to be happier than you'd be without them at the center.

This may seem obvious, but I feel like it's a concept many of us don't really actually reflect upon. What then makes me happy? Can this person provide that for me? Are they interested in, willing, or able to learn what brings me joy? Am I interested, willing or able to do this for them? And this last question is pretty key. It's critical that in a committed relationship one cares enough to work to make their partner happy, not in theory, not just by "being there", but likely by making an additional effort to figure out what would make them happy, these things possibly being things I do not already do and then making a conscious effort to do it, not just once, but regularly.

I don't think that a significant other should be the only thing that brings a person joy, but it should definitely be one of the things. Think about it, if you're in a relationship because it feels nice, or safe, or comforting but it's not adding joy and if fact might be stealing it (there are relationships like this), what's the point?

Maybe this isn't really news to anyone else, but I'm just realizing that being someone's girlfriend/wife means basically that we are charged with their emotional well-being (among other things of course). As a girl/boyfriend/wife/husband, you have the power to make or break days, weeks, months, years of a person's life. The question that must be asked is whether you can handle that responsibility? Can you deal with the consequences of knowing that to neglect this person can affect other aspects of their life? Their work, school, health, emotions, other relationships. Most people don't get so heavy when they think about relationships or whether to get into them or not but maybe we should. I think that considering relationships to be a weightier matter would lead to positive changes as far as how we behave in relationships or how we feel about our preparation to be in one.

A good question to ask: How do I feel about charging this person with my emotions?
Hint: if you don't know them well enough to answer, it's probably a bad idea to get engaged (*going off to take my own advice...*)

Sidenote: Something that does make me happy: Nigeria!!

Get it!!

Happy 50th Anniversary Nigeria! Congrats on not being in the top 10 failed states!

Musing #138: Reflections On Being "Dark"

2010-09-29T12:00:00.012-04:00

With respect to being dark-skinned, my life would be MUCH easier if my mother hadn't married a man who left Nigeria for America at 18 and came back with a talking car and a "sexy" (haha, *shudder*) deep voice (true story). If I was raised in Nigeria, being African skinned with African hair and other African features and HAPPY about it wouldn't be a dramatic political statement like it is in the US. It would likely take less of a mental and emotional journey to love the skin I (and everyone else) was in. I'd get some shea butter and black soap from the market and keep it moving. In my perfect Nigerian childhood, I would have been discovered by some talent agent and be a model or Nollywood actress by now.

Instead, I grew up in Southern California coveting blond ponytails, baby hair, and light eyes. I wanted to be shorter and petite but I stuck out like a bruised thumb. I was too tall for Limited Too, too dark to be a "Cali girl", I had crazy pony tails that didn't swish from side to side when I ran. Self-hate feels too strong to describe what I felt. I didn't hate myself, I just didn't feel pretty and didn't fit in anywhere. Technically, I was about as "Black" as you can be (born in the motherland and all that) but I felt uncomfortable around most Black kids my age. We didn't share the same history, I didn't know enough about current Black pop culture, and I didn't see enough Black kids in my classes to learn.

Relatedly, it was a forgone conclusion that the little white boys at school weren't checking for me. Whether they actually did or not I have no idea. Self-esteem issues/societal norms that devalue black skin have a way of painting the world in a harsher, unhealthier light. In addition, the little black boys also weren't checking for ya girl either (instead, they were making up songs about how dark I was). I couldn't look to television for any leading ladies that resembled me. I couldn't find validation for this skin no matter where I looked. I always wanted to ask adults, "Am I pretty?!?" I'm not one to fish for compliments though so I never asked. I was probably also scared that the answer would be no. Adults weren't just offering the compliments, which might have made things easier. It seems we weren't concerned about making sure that little dark girls felt beautiful.

To deal, I tried not to think about my looks too much. I was interested in makeup but my mom wasn't really about that. (I wasn't even allowed to wear makeup until I was like 15 or something). In any case, the extent of her makeup routine was some cream powder foundation, lipstick and eyeliner, so I wasn't going to learn to many tricks there. (Side Note: She used to just close her eyelids over her eye pencil and line her lids like that. So weird!) I used to read the beauty section in Seventeen magazine (whoa, #throwback) and think about how I couldn't wear pinks (not true) because of my dark skin. My mom used to warn me about red, too brazen she said, so when I did start wearing makeup I limited myself to browns and maroons or clear lip stick. All these limitations and inadequacies made ignoring whether or not I was beautiful and how to "become" beautiful the easiest thing to do.

I think I'd say my relationship with "the skin I'm in" is healthier now. I'm realizing now that I really internalized the victim mentality that comes from thinking dark skin is unattractive. It's an easy thing to blame when you don't feel pretty but it's also something I can do nothing about which makes me feel helpless if I attribute my luck (or lack of luck) in relationships to being dark-skinned. Ultimately, I am grateful for the unique way God made me. I try to keep in mind remember that all different variations of humans our worthy of love and that our souls and inner lights are ultimately what make us beautiful.

**I apologize that this was kinda all over the place**

Musing #137: I've Always Wondered: Will My Kids Watch TV?

2010-09-28T10:06:00.000-04:00

TV is many things to me and my generation. Its purpose is to provide entertainment, first and foremost. It also, especially while I'm at school, offers a respite from the stresses of the modern "always on" world". Television exposes us to new worlds, ideas, and people and can be a powerful source of education and information about the what we don't know. And for me, that's the issue.

I'm not concerned about the channels that we usually think of as educational: PBS, The History Channel, Discovery Health, The Learning Channel, etc. Those networks design their programming primarily to be beneficial and keep in mind that their shows affect what viewers know about the world. Other channels and networks do not seem to do this but have the same, if not more, of an effect on what their viewers know about the world.

This disregard for the effect their programming has on shaping the world we are unfamiliar with that makes me wary of allowing my children to be influenced through television. The world of shows like Friends and Sex in the City present really skewed versions of New York City. For my children, most kids' programming (with the exception of Dora and Little Bill) will present a skewed world where only little white children are the main characters in life and characters of color are always side kicks or have random cameos. But my kids aren't going to be side kicks. They'll be the main characters of their own lives. I think they have to approach life that way in order to be successful in the States.

My main issues with television are:

- the insidious lack of people of color on television

- the pigeonholing of many actors/characters/shows of color to narrow genres and representation of people of color

- the BLATANT tokenism on TV and the ease and willingness to kill of black characters and shows

I'm sure there are more problems that I'm missing but my point is that if mainstream television doesn't care about me and my people, why should my family and I care about it? I'm all about putting my money (support-financial and time wise) where my mouth (stated beliefs) are. So no more television?

I go back and forth on this question of allowing my children to watch TV because television has become such an integral part of our culture that I worry about the effects of removing that huge part of American culture from the life of my children. I had cousins (not blood relatives but you know how Nigerians do) who weren't allowed to watch TV and that seems like it would really negatively impact children socially. In this day and age, so much of conversation and connection to others is related to TV shows, especially with younger children, so it must affect their friendships in some way. The other issue is that I won't always be with my children. What about when they go to their friends' houses or even if they're sheltered until then, when they go off to college? At some point they'll be exposed to whatever negative influences might arise from television and if they haven't been exposed yet, the argument is that the negative effect would be even greater.

Obviously, I have PLENTY of time until this is an issue. Maybe in the meantime, the television networks are planning to overhaul their approach and offers shows that represent the world in a more diverse world. Maybe there will be a reduction in overly sexual or violent themes in these shows. Maybe we won't be so focused on the context of the US but will showcase the unique experiences of varied immigrant communities on television. Or maybe I won't be watching TV but I'll encourage my kids to script film and act out their own shows. Now that'll be entertaining.

Musing #136: BCAY- A Fresh Start

2010-09-12T23:34:00.001-04:00

click on the picture to visit our website

BCAY is the church I've been attending since my freshman year and this academic year I am serving as the chair of the student council that is responsible for running the church. I have been pretty anxious and excited about this year with BCAY. I was worried about adjusting to a new pastor, new leadership style, and new structure. I was anxious about attendance and whether people would be able to see in BCAY what I see in BCAY, instead of the negativity other people like to place on it.

For me, BCAY offers an awesome opportunity to serve God, sow into our Yale community, explore what it means to be a Christian and work on our relationship with God. It can be challenging to be a part of a campus church since your church community and school community often overlap quite a bit. That can be uncomfortable because I think a lot of times as Christians we're used to living our Christian life as separate from our other, "real" life. And yes, we pray to God that He might bless us in the "other" life, and sometimes we ask Him what we should do about various issues we're facing in our "other" life, but all too often the two lives aren't as integrated as we're called to be.

By integrate, I mean that ideally we should be able to live out our relationship with God in every aspect of our lives. With our school work, in our careers, amongst our friends and families. When we separate God from these other things in our lives we often end up living in the world and taking trips to see God.

The Bible is clear on where we're supposed to stand on these things.

In Romans 12:2 it says:

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

1 John 2:17:

The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever.

James 4:4:

You adulterous people, don't you know friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God.

As hard as it is not to conform to the pattern of this world, the alternative, being an enemy of God, is something I'd never want to be. Since returning to campus I have been overcome again and again by how grateful I am for different blessings in my life (Yale; passionate, loving, smart friends and family members; opportunities to engage with Black Yale alumni; life and health; joy; super light course load; etc) and for the grace and mercy that God has shown me in my life.

Pastor Dexter briefly touched on grace and mercy during the first BCAY service last Sunday. To paraphrase, he defined grace as getting something (forgiveness or a fresh start, for example) we don't deserve and mercy as being spared from what we do deserve (punishment for our sins). And I had never thought about those two ideas in that way. I had always heard them mentioned abstractly but these are concrete definitions for two of the key ways we interact with God.

All that is to say that if time and time again God gives me what I don't deserve and spares me from what I do deserve, the least I can do is make a serious effort to follow His will for my life. Especially since it is "good, pleasing, and perfect" and leads to eternal life. May this year, this day and every day be a fresh start for all of us.

Musing #135: Back to School

2010-09-01T00:46:00.000-04:00

Hi everyone!

I'd like to sincerely apologize for neglecting this blog. The end of the summer was absolutely nuts! I ended my program (sorta- I still need to submit the final paper. Feel free to judge me, I'm being foolish), led the House's summer service project, and spent a wonderful few days in Boston. For the past few days I've been moving in and getting settled at school and preparing for the year as far as my major responsibilities. I've also been trying to get my Fulbright application together but I might need to change my entire project proposal...UGH...I just sent out letters to profs to write my recommendation letters so hopefully they can get it done in the next few days. Really the big deal now is COMING UP WITH A PROJECT...

(can you tell I'm frustrated?)

Anyway, class starts tomorrow (today). Wish me luck in my final year!

Ivy

Musing #134: Natural Hair-A Black Man's Opinion

2010-08-11T23:27:00.001-04:00

By now, y'all know I love natural hair. I also love my friends. This is the opinion of one of my male friends on natural hair, so you know I think it's great all around. He makes some interesting points about (his opinion on) Black male preferences and thoughts on natural hair. Check it out!!!

I must say, I really don't think that whether a man will like your hair should play a role in your decision about what to do with your hair. Maybe it you're married or something (*wink wink Najat*). But if not, it's YOUR hair and YOUR money, YOUR emotions and YOUR time that get wrapped up in it. Ultimately, it should be YOUR own decision to go natural if YOU want.

For me, going natural was about reclaiming my standard of beauty, empowering myself, and getting healthy hair. I'm not going to say I wasn't worried about what guys would think but I refused to let that stop me and in case you were wondering, it's worked out fine ;-).

That being said, he said it was sexy y'all. That's one black man, can I get two? Three? :D

Musing #133: I Miss My Grandmother

2010-08-09T03:16:00.000-04:00

It's been nearly two years since I lost my grandmother. Recently I've been missing her very frequently. I guess you really never stop grieving. Even up until this last trip, whenever I get to Arizona and I'm on my way home for the first time, the thought crosses my mind that I need to remember to greet my grandma when I get home. Then I remember that she's not there anymore.

I really wish she was still with me. I wish she could come to New Haven for my graduation. I owe so much of who I am to her and it hurts me so much that she's not here anymore to offer advice, scoldings, lessons. Below I'm posting the letter that I wrote to her for the funeral program. It still reflects how I feel about her.

Dear Grandma,

I miss you so much. When I think about how I will go home, and you won’t to be there, I just can’t believe it. I can’t fathom that I will enter that house and not go directly to your room to greet you. I don’t understand how the woman who played such a major role in molding me into the person I am could be gone.

I’m sad that you can’t tell me anymore of your stories. My favorite one was about a girl who preferred reading over helping in the kitchen. (I assume this was supposed to be me) The girl preferred to stay near her dad and read or listen to talk about politics while her younger sister helped her mother cook and clean the house. When it was time for the older daughter to be married, the family found her a fine husband from a good family. His family had no idea that she didn’t know how to cook. One day, they asked her to make farina and bitterleaf soup for dinner. The girl had only watched her mother enough to know the basic steps of making soup. So she boiled the meat, added spices, and instead of thoroughly washing the bitterleaf, she just rinsed it and added it to the soup. After some time, the kitchen began to smell wonderful and she thought everything was fine. But when she tasted the soup, it was awful! Before she could figure out what to do, the mother of her fiancé came in. “Nwannem, i mela. This soup smells delicious.” Of course, the girl couldn’t say anything so the mother took the food out to the rest of the family. When they tasted the bitter bitterleaf soup, they were appalled. “Ah ah, what is this? Come on, my friend, go pack your bags!” And with that, they sent her back to her family and she never married.

I will never forget that story (It still scares me a little to this day). Or all the countless lessons you taught us by example. As long as you could, you did things for yourself. It was only when pain and illness hindered your movement that you asked us to do things for you. You always put others before yourself. You made sure that we made something for dinner before asking us to prepare something for you. You made each of us feel special on our birthdays by ordering pizza and throwing us a little party. And most importantly, the light of God shone through your life. Whenever bad things happened, your steadfast faith in God made me believe that everything would end well. I try to follow your example every day. I try to be self-sufficient, focused on others, generous, and a faithful Christian.

Even though you’re gone, one thing that comforts me is that I know you’re watching over us from heaven. I know that when things get crazy and stressful down here, you’ll tap God on the shoulder and remind him to give us a break, slow things down. I know that when Nony, Ike, or I feel too tired to keep studying or Mom is too tired to teach, you’ll firmly shake us and we’ll remember your amazing strength, how you always kept moving, ignored the pain, and pushed us towards success.

There aren’t enough words to express how grateful I am that you were a part of my life. I have no idea who I’d be without your influence, but I know that you only made me a better person. Grandma, I want everything I do to be a reflection of you and your amazing spirit.

With love,

Ivy

Musing #132: 21 wishes

2010-08-08T23:44:00.001-04:00

I saw this on a blog from a friend from school and decided to give it a try.

I wish that my online study for my Mellon research would produce some sort of interesting results.
I wish that I could braid/twist my hair faster.
I wish that my Yale friends wouldn't disperse around the world after graduation.
I wish for a beautiful brown family.
I wish that being natural was normal.
I wish that I had more discipline and focus. I'd be healthier and less stressed out.
I wish that I could live in London for a year after graduation.
I wish that my family's financial situation would settle down for good.
I wish that my mom would see wild success in academia.
I wish that I knew my grandparents better.
I wish that I didn't take God's grace for granted.
I wish that I was more humble.
I wish that I could love unconditionally.
I wish that it were easier to talk about failure and shortcomings.
I wish that I would never sink into a depression again.
I wish that I could write a best selling novel.
I wish that I could travel around the U.S. and Africa.
I wish I wasn't too scared/cynical to believe in young, all-consuming love.
I wish my grandma was still alive.
I wish that I could fly somewhere with just a carry-on.
I wish that the process of writing was easier and faster.

Musing #131: 5 things I would do ALL the time if I was any good at them

2010-08-06T01:12:00.000-04:00

In life I've learned that some people have amazing talents and skills that make them better more interesting different from mere mortals other people. I am fascinated by people who can do things exceptionally well, especially performance type activities. There's nothing quite like witnessing someone fully immersed in showing off their special gift. In fact, if I had the gifts some of my friends do, I'd probably run the world I'd just do them all the time. Here are a few of them:

1. Run- I have a friend who runs cross country (well actually she's the captain!) and if I could put in the mileage that she does effortlessly, I'd run most of the time. Add in the ability to stay cool without becoming a sweaty mess and I'd run everywhere. I'd even join my fairer brethren and sisthren and wear running shoes all the time. Imagine how fit I'd be! Alas.

2. Sing- Similarly, there are many people at Yale with absolutely beautiful voices. Whenever I'm at concerts and hear someone nail that note I would never dare try, I get goosebumps. Aside from the minor creepiness attached to goosebumps, that is a sort of cool thing to be able to do. If I could induce goosebumps in people, imagine what type of power I'd wield!

3. Relatedly, play an instrument- Music is such a powerful tool of emotional control that I feel like as with singing, being able to induce deep emotional feelings in someone just by playing a certain combination of notes is super cool. This would have also been helpful when I was in that pageant in the spring. Again, alas.

4. Speak in an accent- I have always wanted a stronger Nigerian accent. At one point I even considered starting high school imitating a Nigerian accent and pretending to be a transfer student. This would have been dumb for many reasons but I forgot about my plan until I'd already started school so I never got to implement it anyway. If I had an authentic Nigerian accent, I would use it all the time.

4b. Speak in a different language- There are so many reasons why this would be awesome. It'd be wonderful to be able to talk about private things in public, especially with a language like Igbo that bears little similarity to English and isn't taught in US public schools. I'd also love to dream or pray in a different language. I remember when I was younger, my siblings and used to pray with our baby sitter, who prayed in Spanish, with my grandmother, who prayed in Igbo, and with my mom, who prayed in English. I asked my mom which language God understood and she told me He understands all languages. It'd be wonderful to communicate with God in different ways.

5. Dance- I have mastered enough American-style dancing to get by at parties and enough Nigerian-style dancing to attract a husband (and some paper) but that's about it. I know enough to get by. If I had a serious gift, love, and passion for dancing, I would dance to class, church, the House, Thai Taste, everywhere! I wouldn't want to do ballet or interpretive dance though. I'd loved to be really great at some ethnic dance--West African dance like Konjo! or maybe belly dancing?! Imagine the smiles my Konjo kicks or hip moves would bring in the winter? We could all pretend we're not wearing coats and scarves and imagine ourselves abroad in hot hot hot weather!

In closing, to those of you who actually possess these gifts, use them for good, not evil! Or just use them. Bring joy to others. Make Ivy jealous. But don't shyly or selfishly hold them inside. Be grateful that you can show off your talents. I can only write about wishing I had some.

Musing #130: I Love "Nigga Naps"

2010-08-03T16:42:00.002-04:00

I was on my way to my dorm room here at Northwestern when a young, Black male Northwestern student who is also in my program stopped to talk to my friend and I (my friend is also young and Black and male, but he goes to Morehouse). Near the end of our conversation he reaches over to touch my 'fro. This rarely happens to me, so I dodged instinctively. He continues coming at me and I continue dodging for a bit before succumbing and allowing him to touch my hair. First he pats it a few times, then he grabs fists full of hair and suddenly, "I love nigga naps!" bursts from his mouth. I am shocked.

Why this kid thought it was cool to grab my hair like that is beyond me, but "nigga naps*"? Really?! I think I was supposed to be grateful that he was enjoying my coarser (in comparison to his) hair texture so much, but it weirded me out. My Morehouse friend eventually jumped in and said something but the initial silence was frustrating.

Final lesson: It is not cool to touch someone without asking. Hair is included in this. If you cannot control your strange impulse to invade personal space and feel like you must touch someone, please ask first. It's only polite. If you witness this or something similar happen to someone else, please say something. No one should be subjected to behavior like this and your silence likely allows it to go on longer.

Any weird experiences with randoms invading your personal space?

*I hate the word "nigga". I never refer to myself as such. In fact, you can call me "African booty scratcher" before you can call me a nigga. I also dislike the term "nappy". My hair is tightly coiled, so you can call it coily, kinky, curly, but don't call it nappy. Reclaim those words and use them to describe yourself if you like, but as for me and my household, we refuse to be nappy niggas. Thanks.

Musing #129: Would You Date Your Friends?

2010-07-26T16:20:00.000-04:00

My dear friend Najat sent me this article from Madame Noire entitled, Is a Good Woman Hard to Find?

In it the author turns the age old complaint about finding a good man around onto the female readers and asks, if you were a man, would you date your girlfriends? Would you even date yourself?

A radio host asked his listeners this question and some women said that they wouldn't date any of their girlfriends because they were too independent, manipulative or needy. While some of the responses sadden me, I think the question is an cool thought experiment that helps give some perspective on the dating scene. My friends and I have complained about gender ratios and dating woes, and how many men (Yale men, Black men) are trifling users but it's important for us to take a look at ourselves (and our gender) and make sure that we give equal lip service to issues that we bring to the dating game.

To answer the question I raised in the title, I would date (most of) my friends*. I pride myself on the fact that I've surrounded myself with some pretty cool people and I only consider people my friends if they have traits that I admire. It follows that I'd appreciate these traits in a relationship. We each have our faults, but I think that our passions, intellect and attractiveness outweigh each of them. It'd be an fun girl's night game to tell each of your friends one thing about them that'd be a dealbreaker if you were a man and one thing about them that would be a deal maker. To play this game you would have to keep your mind open and be willing to hear some possibly hurtful things. I imagine it could be helpful though.

Hmm, would you tell your friends whether or not you would date them?

*Initially I said female friends, but I'd date (most of) my male friends too. Go figure. For the record, I'd also date myself.

Musing #128: S/he didn't grow up with her daddy

2010-07-18T14:53:00.000-04:00

I am sorta, maybe, kinda, a little addicted to relationship blogs.
I am sorta, maybe, kinda, a little fascinated by relationships.
I think I got into Psychology because I wanted to better understand people and why they behave the way they do--irrationally--and to see if psychological insights can improve relationships.

One thing I've noticed about these blogs is that there is often mention of the idea that an absent father is the source of a person's relationship problems. Yeah, she might be trife and lazy, he might be inconsiderate and selfish, but they also grew up without a father, so there you have it, problems with relationships for life.

Even though I'm annoyed or offended every time I read things like this in the comments of some blog post (or in the actual post), I have to admit that it's a grave fear of mine. (SN: Another pet peeve- when people suggest looking at people's families to decide whether or not to date or marry them. Can people really afford this in this country where 50% of marriages end in divorce? Is it fair to judge something like that based on factors outside a person's control?) I don't want to be plagued by some relationship curse because of decisions that had nothing to do with me. I don't want to be judged for choices made by others (I HATE THAT).

Ultimately, I have to brush it off since I know that I'm a bright girl and I try to learn from the mistakes of others (and I allow myself to make mistakes). It's self-defeating to believe that you don't have control over the way you respond to challenges in relationships. If I believe that I'll attract bad partners or be in bad relationships because my parents divorced each other, that's what will happen. Instead I expect the guys I met to treat me with respect and I decide whether I'm mature enough to put in the work required to make a relationship succeed. I firmly believe that as creatures of will and self-control we can make the best of the conditions in our life and thus, determine our happiness.

Musing #127: The Smart Black Kid

2010-07-09T20:05:00.001-04:00

Numbering these musings is getting a little tiresome. I'm not sure how long I'll continue doing it. I like having an idea of how many entries I've posted but it seems maybe lame that I number all of my posts. Those of you who actually follow/care, what do you think? Also, my mom and sister didn't like the old new design, it was "too busy" so I changed it. Enjoy!

Anyway, today's musing was inspired by this post on Very Smart Brothas, one of my new favorite blogs. The author challenges the popular idea that smart Black kids get teased by other Black kids who accuse them of "acting white". His take is that this happens way less than people like to believe and that it looks different than Smart Black Kid gets an A on a test and a group of other Black kids run up on him screaming "WHITE KID", ready to hand out beatdowns.

This topic caught my interest because I was one of those "smart Black kids" growing up. Now I'm a smart Black kid at Yale with Black friends who were "smart Black kids" in their respective elementary/middle/junior/high schools. Every once in a while a group of us will be hanging out and someone will tell a story that fits into this theme and then, of course every one else has to tell a story of their own. We leave having bonded over our shared stigmatization at the hands of "other mean, dumb(er?) Black kids" but I never considered that we're probably just feeding this negative image of "those" Black people and that in the grand scheme of things, it's not that serious.

When I analyze my own experiences, I remember being teased about my "White" accent, feeling awkward around large groups of Black people, and being ignorant/unaccustomed to hood phenomena/behavior. I wasn't familiar with lots of popular music, didn't have hip clothing (lol @"hip"), and didn't understand lots of the slang terms (i.e. "macking" and "talking head". This last one confused me for quite a bit, I think I hoped it meant using big words. Links are to the definitions I learned in elementary and high school respectively). I wasn't teased for being smart per se but for all these other things. And the teasing wasn't that big a deal, I was pretty socially savvy so I knew how to blend and code-switch and by high school, actually felt more comfortable around Black kids than other kids, even though they weren't in my smarty-pants classes.

So basically, for me at least, I was teased, but it was about things besides my smarts, it didn't deter me from succeeding (if anything, this is what we should be worried about), and ultimately wasn't that big a deal.

An aspect of these stories that we should pay more attention to is the way we portray these kids who teased us. When we tell these stories at Yale, I sense an air of "haha, they used to make fun of me but now look at me, look at where I am". The storytelling is a form of "nerd's revenge" where we get to gloat at our good sense and foresight. Problem is, we're gloating at the expense of our people. The apathy towards education is a real issue in the Black community. I'm not saying that no Black people value education (obviously) but we are led to believe that intellectualism isn't part of our culture. We're told that music and athleticism is "Black" and that academic curiosity runs counter to what it means to be Black. This idea must be struck down.

For the sake of our community and the fight against inequality and injustice in this country we cannot continue to support this idea or any of its manifestations. We don't get much control over our societal representation in this country so wherever we have it we should exercise it. I'm not sure if I'm saying, "don't say anything negative about Black people" but maybe I am. As they say, "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all because it helps to uphold racist structures in our country".

Or something like that.

Smart Black kids (and others :) what do you think?

Musing 126: India Arie-Beautiful Flower

2010-07-06T21:14:00.000-04:00

I <3 India Arie! (If you haven't guessed by now :) This song is dedicated to all my lovely friends, sisters, cousins, and my mother. Love you all!

This is a song for every girl who's
Ever been through something she thought she couldn't make it through
I sing these words because
I was that girl too
Wanting something better than this
But who do I turn to

Now we're moving from the darkness into the light
This is the defining moment of our lives

'Cause you're beautiful like a flower
More valuable than a diamond
You are powerful like a fire
You can heal the world with your mind

There is nothing in the world that you cannot do
When you believe in you, who are beautiful
Yeah, you, who are brilliant
Yeah, you, who are powerful
Yeah, you, who are resilient

Musing #125: Confession: I believe in fairy tales

2010-07-05T17:22:00.000-04:00

Basically, I believe some things that some people feel are unrealistic. Society/American culture tells me that my life is supposed to go a certain way because of my gender, race, class, and nationality. I've decided (relatively recently) to take these prescriptions for my life with a grain of salt and work to create the life I want to lead, outside of the norm. These are *some* of the things I believe in.

I am a black African. I am just as intelligent as any person of any race, ethnicity, or nationality. There is not one thing in my genetic makeup that makes me inferior to any person on this planet. My academic weaknesses have been due to not being exposed to certain information or modes of inquiry and/or my own decisions or disinterest in certain fields. My brain can handle any task, I can learn to understand any bit of information, and my body can complete any skill. This is the case for all healthy humans on this earth.

Along these lines, my hair grows from my scalp in tight curls. It is black but can look brownish in the sun. I also have dark eyes, dark brown skin, and full lips. My nose does not point, my cheeks do not blush, and I have gaps in my teeth. Nothing is wrong with any of this. All of this is beautiful.

I am a woman. Not a man. As such, my body is different from a male's. For me, it would be terrible to have narrow hips and a flat chest. That is not the way my body is supposed to look. In addition, I have lived on this earth for more than two decades. I am also five feet and nine inches tall. It does not make sense for me to weigh one hundred pounds.

I believe in having a happy relationship with food. I think that when you are hungry, you should eat and when you are not hungry, you should not eat. I think that it is okay to enjoy sugar. I think that if you are having a bad day and you know that eating a delicious cup of ice cream will make you feel better and you do and it does, you have dealt with your issue and there is no problem. If you eat it and it doesn't help then another solution should be on deck.

I think journaling and introspection are important parts of becoming and being an adult. I don't think that magazines, talk show hosts, or anyone else can tell you how to live your original life. I think everyone should be able to talk to real people they trust about their problems and get advice or suggestions but I think the ultimate decision about what I decide to do with my life should be up to no other human but myself.

I think true friendship is the most valuable but underrated commodity in the world.

I am not a "hopeless romantic" but I believe that although men and women are different, they can have relationships with each other that are respectful and positive. These relationships can be platonic (yay for practicing to be a good partner/friend without being confused by physical relations) or romantic but either way can be guided by basic tenets of human interaction.

I think people should respect their elders. I do not want to be young forever but I do want to value every stage of life for who I am during that stage while preparing for the next.

I also believe in God. I think that having a belief system (whatever that may be) is important for providing a guide for how to live life purposefully. I think I should be able to question my belief system while accepting that I will never know all the answers. I find comfort in knowing that someone else does. I don't believe that person is a human.

Someone else decided that these things are impossible/worthless/untrue. I decided to believe in them.

Musing #124: Survivor- Destiny's Child

2010-06-29T17:19:00.000-04:00

I am almost positive that this song is the reason Black women are currently doing their thing in the face of long odds, terrible media portrayals, and frustrating circumstances. I mean, Black men face the same things, but they don't have "Survivor" to play when people try them. Think about it, if this was the Black man's theme song in the 90s the way it was for Black females from age 6 to 60, we might be dealing with a completely different Black community right now.

Yup, I think that a male version of "Survivor" could have kept millions of people safe from the terrible effects of crack, AIDS, unemployment, gang violence and racism. Alas.

Musing #123: I Am Not My Hair (REMIX ft. Pink)!

2010-06-27T23:06:00.001-04:00

Okay so I had NO IDEA this existed. But I love it. Go India and Pink. (Hey, White girls can go natural too. Shoutout to Cameron.)

"Hair grows no matter what you do, don't you wish that people did too?"

Truth.

Musing #122: Natural Spotlight: Kayla

2010-06-27T22:22:00.000-04:00

First, I would like to apologize deeply for missing the last couple days of Natural Hair Week. This first week in Illinois (updates coming soon!) has been a lot to keep up with and you all know that when life overwhelms me, the blog takes a back seat. Again, I apologize. Because of this, Natural Hair Week will continue into next week and as long as I want. (Really as long as it takes for the homies to reply to my email. Yale kids are impossible to reach by email over the summer. I'd make a Facebook event but it's not that serious. Anyway.)

Kayla, pre-BC

Today's natural spotlight is my homie from the South, the "A", Georgia, Kaaaaaaaayla! Ms. Kayla is the most recent person in our class to make the natural leap. We'd been talking at the end of last semester about how she would do her BC at the end of the summer and then she comes back to campus for graduation and had cut off her hair! (Are we noting a pattern here? I guess Yale women love to just spring the big chop on their friends.) She has this to say in reply to my questions:

When did you go natural?

Last relaxer? Aug 2009

Big chop date? May 18, 2010

Why did you go natural?

I felt like short, natural hair would be the truest expression of my essence. (that sounds corny but it's true) Literally, when I looked in the mirror, I was always struck with the thought that I was meant to have short, natural hair. That's how I imagined my ideal self. Also, i was just tired of relaxers...I didn't like having my hair in my face anymore. I hated the in-between perm phase when my hair was hard to deal with. I hated being self-conscious about the in-between perm phase of my hair looking a hot mess. I no longer knew or understood my motivation for having a perm in the first place. I did it originally because that's just what black girls do around age 13.

How, if at all, did you transition?

I wore braids from August 2009 to the end of April 2010. I took my braids out about every ten weeks and got them redone. I should have deep conditioned and trimmed my hair before I put new braids in, but I didn't. Then, I got a press at the end of April 2010, and did the big chop in mid-May.

Kayla's transition style (and one I'd recommend for anyone who

doesn't want to deal daily with battling two textures)

What's your hair care regimen like? Favorite products?

I condition my hair 2-3 times a week. I put Olive Oil conditioning hair lotion in it every morning. I shampoo with vinegar and water every two weeks.

What's your favorite hairstyle? haha...my hair is preeeeeeeeeetty much still in the driver's seat at this point. I'm still learning what it wants from me.

Looks like she's doing a great job!

What do you like best about having natural hair?

I love everything about being natural. I'm kind of a punk when it comes to trying new things, especially if it requires a drastic change. Given that plus the societal pressures to have relaxed hair, it would have been easier and understandable for me to not go through with going natural. So I'm really proud of myself for doing it. It was something I really needed to do in order to be true to myself. So now every time I look in the mirror I see a Kayla who has the fortitude to do what she needs to do for her despite how other people may respond/react/treat me. I knew the likelihood that it would take some time to get used to being natural in that my self-esteem and sense of self might take a hit. But in reality, I've never been more self-confident.

Special Yale question: What's the most striking thing about being natural at Yale?

I don't know yet....but I will soon ;-)

Thank you Kayla for sharing!

Musing #121: Wings of Forgiveness-India Arie

2010-06-27T20:02:00.002-04:00

Some of you know that India Arie is one of my favorite artists (natural or otherwise).
This song popped up on the iPod and I'm loving the message. Forgiveness is something that's
been important for me in getting through hurtful situations. This song makes it sound so
wonderful. May this be motivation for those of us who still have things we must let go of.

"You're only human. Let's shake free this gravity of resentment and fly high, and fly high."

Musing #120: Natural Spotlight: Liz M.

2010-06-23T17:19:00.006-04:00

The first Natural Spotlight of the week is my dear friend Liz, the first woman in Yale's class of 2011 (as far as I know) to Big Chop. She didn't transition for months and months until she had an "acceptable" sized 'fro. She just came back from Spring Break sporting a low cut, shocking and surprising our entire group of friends. Seeing Liz confidently rock such short hair gave me the courage to begin my own transition. I felt it only fitting that she be my natural spotlight.

Freshman year, Liz's hair looked more or less like this (a little longer, usually in a ponytail):

After Spring Break, it looked like this:

She cut her hair again right before junior year so it currently looks like this (she also put me on to bows and flowers in my hair, I was addicted for a bit!):

I asked Liz a few questions about her hair and her natural journey:

When did you go natural?
I went natural the Saturday after my 19th bday, so March 8, 2008, freshman year of college. My last relaxer was about six weeks before then, during winter break.

Why did you go natural?
My biggest reason for going natural was an overwhelming desire for change. Freshman year of college was kind of rough for me, because I was so far away from home. That Spring semester I decided to make a drastic change, to shake things up, and to catalyze my transition out of high school into college and adulthood. Plus, when my hair was relaxed, I wore it in a pony tail everyday anyway. I didn't really value my hair long and straight, so why not chop it off and see what comes out naturally?

How, if at all, did you transition?
Big chop! I had some fuzzies growing in :) , some new growth from my previous relaxer, and so my beautician just cut down to that. It was so freeing! Plus, I was lucky because my sister did the big chop herself a few days before I did, and we look a lot alike, so I knew how I'd look before I did it.

What's your hair care regimen like? Favorite products?
Most mornings I wake up, dampen my hair, pull it out, add some Kinky Curly "Knot Today" leave-in (FAVE PRODUCT!), and pull up the sides with bobby pins. I may add a bow, or a flower if the outfit calls for such an embellishment. About twice a week I deep condition, with a mixture of cheap conditioner, hot coconut oil, honey, mayonnaise, maybe vinaigrette, and silk peptide powder. I leave that in for a few hours, and then pick out my any knots in the shower. After that, I add in leave-in conditioner. If I have time, I'll put in big double-stranded twists, (infused with Kinky Curly gel), and let it dry while I sleep. The number one thing my sister taught me is to never towel dry my hair. Water is the best moisturizer for a fro (which is why I love the rain!), and allowing it to air dry keeps it moisturized for a lot longer.

What's your favorite hairstyle?
Pulled back with a bow or a flower.... I love ornaments in my hair!! :)

What do you like best about having natural hair?
Now that I am natural, I no longer resent my naps. When my hair was relaxed, I used to hate my new growth. The little fuzzies on my scalp were reminders that I could never achieve the beauty standard I was striving for. Now, I make my own beauty standards, and let my naps be free! I barely even pick out my hair each day, because I love the little curlies. I can also experiment with colors and what not because my hair is so much stronger.
Oh! And a definite plus is that you can't sweat out a fro like you can sweat out a perm!

Special Yale question: What's the most striking thing about being natural at Yale?
Yalies are curious and honest. I have been asked multiple times by white peers how I made my hair get like this. I just laugh and explain that my hair is just very very (very) curly! And then I stretch out one curl and their eyes widen as it triples in length (shrinkage is a beast!). I have had so many conversations about hair, about politics, racial identity, stereotypes, etc. It has been a great jump-off point to just discuss race in general, which is never an easy subject to breach. Furthermore, Yalies are weird. And therefore accepting and open-minded of things. I can honestly say that part of the reason I felt comfortable with considering chopping my hair off, was because I knew I'd return to an understanding environment.

3 tips for natural hair care:
The number one thing my sister taught me is to never towel dry my hair. Water is the best moisturizer for a fro (which is why I love the rain!), and allowing it to air dry keeps it moisturized for a lot longer.

DO NOT SLEEP ON COTTON without a satin bonnet between your hair and and pillowcase. I had sooo much lint in my hair for that first year, and it my hair was super dry.

Lastly, love your hair, and love yourself. Accept your beauty, and all its imperfections, because that is how God made you. Experiment with different looks, accessories, outfits, colors...If you're natural, you've already decided that you want to be yourself, which may be different from a mainstream archetype of beauty. So explore. Get to know, and fall in love with, yourself!

Musing #119: Now that I'm natural, can I ever be straight again?!?!

2010-06-23T01:18:00.000-04:00

When I cut my relaxed hair off on that fateful day in January, I turned my back on permanently straightening my hair. I hadn't thought too long-term about my journey but I knew that I was over the damage relaxers were inflicting on scalps and my ends. I was tired of believing the lies that if my hair wasn't wavy or didn't have big curls (i.e. "good hair") it had to be relaxed, as straight as possible and as long (downward) as I could get it. Even before I stopped relaxing I started embracing a less straight look, not always flat ironing my hair after blow-drying etc. But in May I went to a Dominican salon* for a relaxer and the resulting breakage to one side of my "kitchen" specifically and all over during the next few weeks made me say, NO MORE.

I transitioned with braids and kinky twists for seven months, doing a deep conditioning treatment on my hair when I took the braids out and then putting them right back in. I didn't know much about transitioning but I knew it would be easier for me to keep my hair braided up.

I cut my hair in January of 2009, right after we got back for the spring semester, actually on the day Mike Jones announced his candidacy for Ward 1 Alderman (those there for the announcement where there for my unveiling!), and thereafter was on this journey to appreciate my hair the way it grew out of my scalp.

In keeping with this goal, I avoided heat. I didn't want to damage my hair the way I had before I cut it. Plus my unprocessed hair reacted differently to heat, especially to the blow dryer. The two times I tried to blow out my hair, it left my tresses feeling horrible. I was also terrified that the heat required to straighten my hair would damage my curl pattern and leave me with straight ends. That left me with the option of being happy to be nappy. And I was.

Fast forward a year and I needed a real trim. I had been using a technique called "dusting" which involved trimming the scraggly ends of my twists every once in a while. That worked for a bit but wasn't very precise so when I took this last set of kinky twists, which I had in for eleven weeks (phew!), I decided to go to a hair salon (I hadn't stepped foot in one since the barber haircut incident) and get a professional trim. To do that I needed to straighten it.

Guys, I was terrified. One hindrance, the cost. I'd been doing my own hair for more than a year so I wasn't happy about shelling out EIGHTY dollars for a style I knew I wouldn't keep for more than a week. Two, possible permanent damage. All my life it has seemed that stylists used hotter temperatures for my hair because of my kinky texture. I'd done research about taking care of my hair and learned that the use of such high temperatures was very very damaging. But the stylists wanted my hair bone straight and to do that they used really hot flat irons, hots, combs, blow dryers, etc. My third concern was on principle. I had been a huge advocate of natural hair and not succumbing to unattainable European beauty standards. I wondered if straightening my hair meant that I had compromised my principles?

Turns out, each concern was dealt with. I went to Salon Zahara (formerly Veranique's) on State Street in New Haven and my stylist was Nikki (Nicki? Niki?). She told me she's been doing natural hair for over a decade and wouldn't damage my hair. Of course, I was still skeptical and asked lots of questions (she was a little salty about that but too bad for her. $80 ain't change and I wasn't about to throw over a year of progress down the drain). There was one fishy part during my visit, the use (and additional charge =/) of a TERRIBLE SMELLING "all natural" product called a "softener" that would make it easier to straighten my hair. I asked what was in it (watered down texturizer? the old relaxer in the conditioner trick?) but she couldn't tell me. She just assured me again it was "all natural". Red flags were raised but I decided to take the leap anyway. I really wanted that trim!**

People this softener stuff was awful, it smelled bad, and when I was under the dryer it'd get in my nose and make my eyes water and all sorts of things...Whatever, after that she blow dried, hot comb, and flat ironed my hair. When I left the salon, I'd been transformed!

BEFORE

Doesn't my fro look ridiculously large? One day :)

This is more accurate.

DURING:

AFTER:

Dramatic right?

I really enjoyed having straight hair. The hair cut she gave me was really nice and I liked easily interacting with my scalp and combing my hair. I won't straighten again for a while because it was such and ordeal but it made me appreciate the versatility of my hair even more. My hair actually got much straighter than it ever did when relaxed and felt so healthy so that was wonderful. Now I know I can rock shrunken and stretched fros, twists, twist outs, braids, braid outs, the pony puff, styles with the hump in the front (my signature style) and straight hair!*** Before, I could only really do a pony tail, straight, or braids/twists with extensions. *yawn*

Washing it and watching/feeling it revert was also a special little experience. If any of you straighten and have a texture like mine I suggest braiding it into sections so that you have more control over the process and avoid ridiculous tangles. When I first hopped in the shower and wet my hair, nothing happened and I wax fixing to head to the salon and FIGHT. I thought they'd given me a secret relaxer! But they didn't. 30 seconds later my hair began to revert and my coils returned.

Anyway, the obvious answer to the title question is yes! Straight styles allow you to show off your length and switch up your look which can be nice when big and curly gets annoying, boring or hard to handle. I personally would only do it sporadically because it's such a process. FYI, on principle, I wouldn't straighten for an interview because if I can't get the job or admission with nappy hair, I don't want it. (Had to bring in the die hard natural somehow lol)

So that was my adventure being straight. (haha) I'll leave you with one of the many little photos I took with Photobooth.

*Some of you remember hearing about the Dominican vs. Black "hair war" a few weeks back. It was in the Wall Street Journal and throughout the blogosphere. Some people were salty that Black women were once again sending money out of the community For the record, I enjoyed the blowouts and my hair moving in the wind and all that but the heat she used was extreme in my opinion. They also closed down shortly after the fated relaxer so idk, maybe they got nasty complaints.

**This could have been tragic. Try if you can to see the bottle and examine the ingredients so you know what is happening. Assess the situation though. In my case, asking for the original bottle would have escalated a situation so I just decided to trust her. Worked for me, thank God.

***You see why I love being natural? This versatility is no joke.

Musing #118: Everyone's Doing It

2010-06-21T22:00:00.017-04:00

No, not playing the game this old man is talking about in this commercial.

Going natural!!! You may have noticed this wonderful new trend. Thousands of Black women* across the nation are turning their backs on relaxers and embracing the curls and kinks God gave them.

Even Solange Knowles!

It's been a very inspiring journey for me. I started off seeing other women BC (big chop) and rock baldies or TWAs (teeny weeny afros) and grow out their long, healthy, nappy hair. Then I began my own 7 month transition which resulted in my BC in January of 2009. Now my hair is growing nicely (it's now longer, thicker and healthier than pre BC) and I am blessed with the gift of inspiring other people to "go natural"**. At least three of my friends have since cut their hair and my baby sister, who used to say she didn't want to go to Yale because "it makes girls cut all their hair off" is now transitioning and preparing for her own BC in July! *happy dance*

Another transitioner

In light of all this newly unprocessed curly, kinky hair in my life (and on the web!) I've decided to dub this week natural hair week! I've asked some of my friends for before/after pictures and am going to send the ones that sent me photos questions so you all will learn a little bit about their journeys. I'll also be reflecting a bit on black women, natural hair, and society. If my little sis agrees, I'll feature her as the transitioner of the week/month/year/my life <3!

Many of you know that going/being natural has been/is a huge part of my life right now so it follows that I'd share the beauty of it to the readers of my blog. I hope you enjoy it as much as I will!***

*This fact is totally unsubstantiated by numbers but as I learned in Multivariate Statistics, they tweak those anyway.
**It is really humbling to hear that my rocking my nappy (but moisturized and [pretty] well-taken care of) 'fro is inspiring others to take the courageous step of rejecting the need for a relaxer and cutting their hair.
***I may or may not interrupt natural hair week to update you on life in Evanston and my thoughts on other things, but this'll be the main focus!

Musing #117: Just Say What You Feel

2010-06-19T23:28:00.000-04:00

Today I was reading the archives of this great blog, A Belle in Brooklyn. In one of the posts she had a list of things every woman should know, sort of like rules to live by. (SD: Has anyone ever noticed that bloggers lo-oove lists? Maybe it's just the ones I follow) One of the rules was:

13. Just say what you feel. I've wasted hours of my life wondering how someone will react or handle it when I finally say whatever needs saying. No one ever gives the response you predicted no matter how well you script it out in your head.

This was the best advice I've read in a while. The post was from 18 months ago and I wonder what would be different in my life if I'd read it then. (There's no point in wondering really, I might not have appreciated it like I do know) As I'm maturing in the way I relate with people this has hands down been the best thing I've started to do. I don't do it all the time (I still try to be respectful, I don't like to run off at the mouth, and sometimes I still shut down instead of being completely honest) but when I do it, I don't usually regret it. If anything, I regret not saying more, not asking more questions, not getting more clarification, not making completely clear where I stand.

The bit about not being able to predict how people will respond is so true! Usually I try to mentally go through every permutation of the way someone will respond but I fail to be able to anticipate all the different ways I might react to their response so the energy spent was pretty useless. The relief from just saying what I feel feels great no matter how much I tried to anticipate the outcome of the conversation.

Anyway, there are more situations (one specifically) where I plan to just say what I feel when I next see the person. I'm actually excited (and of course anxious) for that conversation. Of course, I should probably iron out all the different ways I feel before then. Sigh, grown people problems.

Musing #116: Evil

2010-06-15T13:38:00.000-04:00

I am a part of this 2011 summer panlist where Christians in my class send out thoughts, reflections, devotionals, throughout the summer. Each week at least one person sends something out but anyone can send anything at anytime. Below is one of the emails I received.

The other day I heard an interpretation of evil that has helped me think about what God is, return to issues I've had reconciling evil and God, and see the power of prayer. Maybe this will inspire you:

If one accepts the idea that God is the cause of everything. And biblical ideas of what God is (love, spirit, truth, and life) do not sounds like they can cause evil. Evil then, must have no cause. Evil then, is not a presence as much as it is absence, concealment, and distortion. It is the absence of light that conceals our awareness of the reality of love.

The shadows we see, what we see as the effects of evil are really, then, just what we see when we turn our backs on God's light, much like we see shadows when we face away from the sun.

This is where prayer comes in. Simply by addressing God, we turn away from darkness.

At first when I read it I felt unsettled. Could it be that easy? I thought about all the awful circumstances that people have to deal with, rape, persistent poverty, abuse. Is this saying that their evil situations result from turning away from God? That's the type of victim blaming that disgusts me. But then I realized that these situations are caused by people doing evil things and systems that facilitate evil things and these evil things result from people not loving others as God commands us to. Imagine if just we as Christians really obeyed commandments to love our neighbor. We wouldn't, couldn't be complacent in the face of systematic inequality and oppression. Instead of responding with hate toward people seeking abortions, life in the US, homosexuality we'd turn away from evil actions, toward light toward love.

Imagine if everyone did.

Musing #115: Arizona Is Attempting To Strike Again

2010-06-15T12:32:00.001-04:00

...and this time at the children of illegal immigrants, or "anchor babies". From the Root:

In the latest installment of something wicked this way comes, the illustrious state of Arizona is now targeting the children of illegal aliens in its quest to eliminate brown people from sight. They’re bringing back the term “anchor babies” with a vengeance, tagging the children of “illegals” born in the US. Arizona Republicans are expected to introduce legislation this fall that would deny children born to illegal aliens United States citizenship. Yes, you read right – they’re going to attempt to change the U.S. constitution. This is the brainchild (and we use the term brain loosely), of Republican Senator Russell Pearce, the lead architect of Senate Bill 1070, referred to fondly as the racial profiling bill. Going after children? Yeah, that’s a fair fight. Who’s next? Pets?

If you're wondering about the exact wording of the relevant portion of the Constitution, I have it for you. From the 14th Amendment:

"all persons, born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States. No state shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States."

If this new bill isn't unconstitutional, they might as well just throw the whole thing out.
-- my little sister Nony
Real talk.

Read more at Yahoo.com

Musing #114: Will You?

2010-06-15T06:05:00.000-04:00

Will you write for me,
drawing sentences from lofty thoughts,
forming words with soft, firm keystrokes,
creating lands unknown, yet familiar?

Will you sing for me,
hitting notes that lift my spirit
from the depths of cold loneliness
circling my soul with warm hums?

Will you play for me,
searing my ears with the
haunting,
melancholy,
screech
of your saxophone?

Will you love me,
during the big game,
when we're irrational,
sacrificially
eternally,
only me?

Speak to me,
search my heart
and yours,
find that truth,
set it free.

Let us examine every space
between us, within us.
May we know each
absence
and recess and
abscess.

Can you peer into me,
look right at me
really see me?
Will you?

Musing #113: Sunday Morning

2010-06-15T04:39:00.002-04:00

Musing #112: To forgive and forget

2010-06-15T04:11:00.000-04:00

The old adage commands that we "forgive and forget". Some people adjust it and suggest that we "forgive but don't forget". Which one is the way to go? If someone has hurt us, doesn't forgetting just make it more likely that we'll be hurt again in the future? Does forgetting offer the person a "pass" making it okay for them to mistreat you again?

I'm totally down with forgiveness. It's not as easy as I'd like but I know the burden of holding grudges and I have enough weight on my shoulders without the added load of past hurt. I'm not so sold however on forgetting. I feel like forgetting is just inviting the same mistakes to be made again. Another saying--"those who don't know their history are doomed to repeat it".

And then where does love fit into this narrative? According to 1 Corinthians 13:5, love keeps no record of wrongs. And we're supposed to love everyone right? All our neighbors? Even the outcasts, the foreigners, and especially those that hurt us. So my faith is telling me one thing while my instincts tell me another.

I also wonder how you know that you've forgiven someone? Sometimes, I think I've forgiven someone for something or moved past hard feelings but something happens that brings my anger, hurt, or bitterness rushing back. In those cases, I'd forgotten but not forgiven. How can you be sure that you've truly let go? And then, what happens with this relationship if you still see the person regularly? What is okay to change as far as interactions since there has been broken trust and harmed feelings?

Sigh. Grown girl problems.

Musing #111: My Best Friend's Wedding

2010-06-14T14:49:00.000-04:00

Najat got married this weekend! Wasn't the cake beautiful?! It was delicious too.

Let's start with me :) Here I am getting my makeup done by the lovely Paula (the groom's mother-in-law! what a gift) and to the right is the finished product (the flower in the hair is a nice touch, right? :)

Doesn't she look beautiful?

Cutting the cake!

Guys, the weather was soooo perfect. I mean, it's nuts that in Arizona in June we had a nice light breeze and I'm pretty sure the temperature was well below 100 degrees. It was a blessing. God was definitely smiling down on their ceremony as He'll be smiling on their marriage. I was overwhelmed with warm fuzzy feelings inside and was so honored to be a part of the beginning of this new stage in their commitment to and love of each other.

I can only hope that my wedding is as full of love and well wishes as theirs was. And this might happen sooner than I'd expected. I caught the single girls bouquet (the DJ played "Single Ladies" too, it was cute) and now one of my mom's friends is renewing her mission to marry me off to her son. Lord have mercy.

I am sooo glad I could be a part of their wedding. I think we all (the bridesmaids, although I'm sure the groomsmen got something too) learned a lot about weddings, how to be a part of one and what we'd like ours to be like. It even sparked a spirited discussion the next day with my cousin Leon concerning "the hype" around marriage. Love utilizing those debating skills.

So this is why I've been M.I.A. We had the bachelorette party on Thursday, the rehearsal on Friday and the wedding was on Saturday. I just got back last Monday and for some odd reason I am heavy battling jet lag..Basically it's been a struggle but I just want to enjoy my last week in Arizona before heading to the Chi!

Deuces!

Musing #110: Education in Africa- My Fulbright Proposal?

2010-06-09T17:07:00.000-04:00

I'm planning/hoping/praying to be able to apply this summer to do research through the Fulbright program during my year off. I want to study higher education in Africa, specifically Nigeria, because I feel that improving the educational system is the road to improving conditions for our continent. I stumbled across this blog post that Tom Ficklin, the hardest working man in New Haven, shared on Facebook. A recent Togolese Economics Ph.D recipient from NYU wrote about his observations on the state of universities during a recent trip back home. He said that he was concerned most by the conditions the students had to study under and wondered why so little funding and attention is paid to African universities. He echoed Andrew Mwenda (who was at Yale this year!) in suggesting that foreign aid to Africa be focused on strengthening what works in a country instead of focusing on a country's weaknesses. (I remember this from the lecture he gave in Luce Hall that our Igbo class attended. Hearing this was one of those aha! moments for me, so thanks Yale for providing me the opportunity to hear it

♥) In this vein, foreign aid would go toward producing leaders, thinkers, business people that would be able to solve the problems of their own country instead of needing to rely on outside scholars for ways to solutions.

So how about that for the basis of a Fulbright research proposal? I would stay in Abuja and be affiliated with the University of Nigeria and the Ministry of Education. I would take stock of the current higher education system, what works, what doesn't, what can be improved and look into what has already been done as far as academic research and how can aid fill the gaps that the government cannot or will not fill.

Nigeria suffers frequents strikes from professors and other staff and this has horrible effects on students. When they happen students cannot finish the semester and must retake their courses but they don't receive their tuition back making a Nigerian education extremely costly both time wise and financially. My work would center around these strikes and what aid can do to solve the problems that cause the strikes and then move to improve higher education in Nigeria.

Yay for research! If anyone has ideas, people to contact, papers to read please forward them. Thank you!

P.S. Since the higher education system has it's flaws some might suggest that putting aid into it would focus on a weakness and not a strength. I feel however that the unquenchable desire of African students for higher education is a strength and is what we should build on and support.

Musing #109: Homecoming

2010-06-08T03:46:00.000-04:00

I was sitting on my Southwest Airlines flight from Miami to Phoenix when it hit me, I’m going home.

The realization was primarily one of relief. I’m finally, suddenly, once again, free from the often suffocating environment that is Yale. It feels like forever since I’ve been able to breathe freely, unburdened by responsibilities to professors, classes, friends, employers; to really feel each member of my body even the throbbing, ever present pain in my back; to meditate on the state of my spirit and what being at Yale has done to it.

It feels like the painful gasp of air you forcefully breathe in after emerging from being underwater for several minutes. The feeling snuck up on me and I felt the surprise of one who didn’t realize she’d been holding her breath until taking one in. This metaphor is apt because like being in the water, I love Yale. I love the way it envelopes me, I love that it's a whole new world, I love that I'm still working on figuring out how to navigate it. But like being in a large body of water, if you're not careful, Yale will creep into every crevice and replace life giving oxygen with water--and suddenly, you're drowning.

Yale is suffocating in that it consumes me while I’m there. Even during the post-term, things that happen outside of the immediate Yale context feel like distractions and I often treat them as such. I attempt to triage the battery of situations battling for my attention, and regrettably Yale-related things often end up on top of the to-deal-with list. Everything feels so urgent. Emails are sent and replied to within minutes, assignments are due and loom frighteningly large in my future. I’m terrified about failing Yale. I repeat over and over that my mother didn’t send me to Yale to do this or that thing that would distract me from achieving success. I’m doing it for me but also I’m doing it for her.

But in this attempt to defeat Yale, I feel like my family has fallen behind Yale in their primacy in my life and that is really distressing for me. When I think about how some of my friends call their mothers everyday, I remember that I don’t. My sister finished her first year of college, I tried to be there as much as I could but how much help was I when forgot to return phone calls or didn’t initiate contact? This year I spoke to my brother more than I’d spoken to both of them in the previous years while I was gone. I tried to help as best as I could with his college applications and support him from afar. I am so proud that he’ll be joining my sister at the University of Pennsylvania in the fall. (3 for 3 Ivy League!) But I still can’t shake the feeling that I’ve been too absent, that I've allowed the water to replace the oxygen.

I guess my absence from the daily lives of my family members is to be expected since I now reside 3000 miles away from them. Either way, I still get choked up about it when I’m returning home. I really miss how we can all laugh and be so happy and so loving, even in the midst of trying circumstances. We have great smiles in my family and I miss the way something humorous I've said causes the smile of each parent and sibling to suddenly ripsacross their face to reveal imperfect but quite white teeth (We couldn’t afford braces but we definitely could afford toothpaste :)

Especially now, in the wake of the loss of one of my most beloved uncles, a wonderful husband, father, and friend, I really regret taking my family for granted. While I'm home, I plan to really enjoy being with them. In that vein, I’m not sure if trying to cram for the GRE will be a good idea. I hope that nothing happens to mar this time for me since I won’t go home again until late November or possibly December.

Basically, call your family guys! No matter how far away, no matter how trife their behavior! They need it and you need it and you’ll be grateful later.

LOVE,

IVY

P.S. How do you like this font? I wrote this out in Microsoft Word and Times New Roman was sooo stifling. This font is called "Chalkduster". Love it.

Musing #108: Never Say Never

2010-06-06T09:34:00.000-04:00

Wooooow.

I must admit that I like the song. Also, Jaden Smith is really cute--his dance moves especially. I don't know about his future as a rapper but dancing and acting?

Musing #107: Gives Me Hope

2010-06-05T22:41:00.000-04:00

I'm sure most of you all have heard of FML (F*** My Life), the website dedicated to showcasing the bad things that happen to people. The stories can be pretty funny and everyone started using the acronym in their Facebook statuses, tweets, and conversations.

Then my friend Kevin B. decided he'd had enough of celebrating negative events and start BML (Bless My Life) which you place after wonderful things that happen to you. And that was fun.

Now Liz has introduced me to GMH (Gives Me Hope). When I first starting reading them I must admit that I thought it was sort of corny (sorry Liz!), but it gets better and you just might find yourself with tears in your eyes.

A sample:
A woman's fiance of six years told her to "Get an abortion or get out."
She moved out that night, with nothing to her name, and no idea where to go.
I'm graduating from high school with a full ride scholarship, and that woman is truly my best friend.
We did it, Mom. You and me. We've never needed him.

Gives me chills thinking about it.

Musing #106: I Love Men of Strength

2010-06-05T22:29:00.000-04:00

Yay for the DC chapter of Men Can Stop Rape! They host weekly discussion groups in DC area middle and high schools called Men of Strength during which society's definitions of masculinity are deconstructed. The boys are lured in with pizza. (It's a simple formula really, moderating the discussion is probably the really tricky part)

Read about it HERE and then have these convos with your friends/brothers/sons/etc. We need to all work together to create a world where our daughters are respected no matter what clothes they wear, what color their weave is, whatever their sexual history and where our sons are free to live their lives without having to display copious amounts of aggression and "swag" but hide emotions like fear and remorse and love. It starts with our relationships and groups like these. Awesome!

Side Note: I love seeing articles about men helping young men learn to treat women and live life in a way contrary to what society presents for them as the ideal. Especially Black men. Yes!

Musing #105: Come On Arizona! [The Last Straw]

2010-06-05T21:51:00.000-04:00

In the last month or so Arizona, my adopted (soon to be renounced) home state, has been all over the media for passing all sorts of discriminatory bills. In the capital, they passed the harshest immigration bill in the nation, in Tucson, ethnic studies programs have been banned, and elsewhere people with "strong accents" have been banned from being English teachers. I tried to stay out of the debate/discussion as much as possible because I still have to go home and I don't want any randoms in Arizona coming to my house to make citizen's arrests or whatever. I also saw that other people were handling the public shaming pretty well without my help.

But today on Facebook I saw a link to this Wonkette article about a school principle that has ordered the faces of Black and Latino children in a mural to be whitened in reaction to "concerns" raised by a city councilman on his AM radio talk show. I cannot remain silent any longer.

To say I'm offended and appalled would only scratch the surface of my disgust for this action by a SCHOOL PRINCIPAL. I cannot believe that someone charged with leading an educational institution would bow to the racism of people outside the school to remove and therefore reject two of his pupils.

Apparently, school children were present and helping while the artists created the mural and motorists spurred on by this councilman's radio show would hurl racial epithets at them. Instead of responding to protect the Black and Latino students featured in the mural who were attacked by the hateful adults, the school planned to accommodate their outrageous request and erase their race from the mural. This action supports the racism that is obviously alive and well in Prescott and reinforcing the disparaging sentiments expressed by the motorists and councilman. How come no one stopped to consider how this would affect these children? Imagine how proud they must have been to be featured front and center in the mural, welcomed and accepted in school community. Imagine then what it must feel like the realize your race is "offensive" and must be stripped from the mural. Might that make you want to strip yourself of your race/ethnicity/culture? Might that make you retreat away from the larger school community into your various identity communities, something that clearly terrifies people in Arizona?

This whole ordeal and really the whole spate of racist incidents show me that critical thinking is really lacking from the game plan and that for the people perpetuating these hateful ideas, it isn't really about hating whatever negatives the brown people supposedly bring with them, but just about hating the brown people for that reason alone. (I should probably stop being surprised by both those things but it's so hard!) Which reminds me of the Boondocks episode with Jimmy Rebel! Did you all see that one? Look it up on YouTube! SO MUCH.

Anyway, all this really makes me want my mom to move away from Arizona as soon as possible. I can no longer be associated with such nonsense. In the future, when people mention Arizona and how RIDICULOUS and RACIST all these things are I'll just say, "oh Arizona? I lived there for a few years but I was in college for most off them *shrugs*". California All Day Baby!!

[UPDATE]: Now they won't be whitening the students' faces...Who thought this was a good idea again?

Musing #104: Vote For Timeica E!

2010-06-04T17:12:00.000-04:00

One of my friends from Yale has entered Oprah's contest to win a show on the Oprah Winfrey Network (OWN).

If you can please click here, watch the video and vote for her! Feel free to vote as many times as you want. We've always joked that Timeica will be the next Oprah and this is a wonderful opportunity to try and make this happen.

Power to the people! Be inspired!

Musing #103: Wedding Song

2010-06-04T15:58:00.000-04:00

I have no idea what is popular in Nigerian weddings but I definitely want to play this one at mine. My dear friend Najat is getting married next weekend (I'm going to be a bridesmaid!) and then I found this song/video on YouTube and realized it would be perfect to play (at hers but more likely at mine :). It's called No One Be Like You and it's by my favorite Igbo duo, P-Square.

Sigh. Also check out the background music at this site. Another Igbo love song that will be played at my wedding. I have no idea what it's called or who the artists are but hopefully someone knows. Obvi, this wedding is far off in the distance but it doesn't hurt to catalog these plans for future reference ;)

Musing #102: Community revisited

2010-05-30T09:33:00.000-04:00

Go read this post on the blog of my former EC and good friend Josh Williams. It's from a teacher named Matt Croasmun at the Elm City Vineyard, a church in New Haven. The entire thing is pretty good, I think it's a sort of graduation speech, but below I've copied the part I want to discuss in this post. [Emphasis mine]

Back when I was about to graduate from Yale, a guy came by and laid out a paradigm shift for us about how to think about major life decisions. He said that usually people value jobs as the most rare, most precious thing, because, ostensibly, they're so hard to find. So, typically, folks pursue a job first and jobs are in places, places have people, and some of those people might become your friends.

But, he suggested that that whole model is based on a false premise, because, in his experience, jobs are not actually the most precious, most rare commodity in life; relationships are. So, he said what if instead we started the other way around and said, since relationships are the most important, we start with the relationships God's inviting us into, and then those people are in places and places have jobs. That would turn things upside-down, wouldn't it? Hannah and I did that almost 10 years ago now, deciding to live life with some friends and to do that here in New Haven and that's made all the difference: abundant life in relationship is the way to go.

Now, that's not to say that if you're on your way to some new place with new people, you've fundamentally missed the boat; not at all. Maybe this call to relationship is a call to relationships that you've yet to build.

Regardless, wherever, with whomever, let me suggest this to you: Invest in people. Value your relationships over all else that clamors for your attention. God, after all, is the God of relationship in a relational universe. Relationships is, in the language of C.S. Lewis, the deeper magic of the cosmos.

When I first heard about this model of living life from the wonderful Juliet, I was ambivalent*. On one hand, I was incredulous**, it seemed unlikely that you would be able to stick with a varied group of people that are interested in different things and pursuing different paths and still make everyone happy in one place. I was also intrigued, I really love my community here and the idea of moving with them wherever we go next was comforting. Moreover, it would likely transform the way we interact. Now when I get in arguments or tiffs with my friends, my desire to avoid conflict motivates me to end them quickly and painlessly. Maybe if I knew that these people wouldn't just be my closest friends in college but for longer than that (life?!?!), I would be more invested in seeing those discussions come to a more fruitful end, a deeper understanding of what moves us, a more nuanced idea of what irks us, a richer appreciation for our talents.

Even though I was excited about this idea of investing in a community of wonderful people, when I looked around at my group of wonderful people, I realized that my community isn't as cohesive as other people's communities. My closest friends aren't each others closest friends. I'm invested in them, and individually, they're invested in me, but we're not all invested in any one community. It might be easier if I was really interested in staying on the East Coast or even if my friends were interested in staying stateside. I want to return to the West, where there are better temperatures and more space, and many of my friends plan to leave the States and search for exciting adventures, solve international issues of health, save our mother countries. It seems like after Yale, we'll have to keep our community investment with each other virtual and find new awesome people to be in community with wherever we end up.

Until I know where we'll all end up post-graduation, all I can do is what he mentioned in the last part of the excerpt, invest more in the people I have around me and be more committed to loving my patchwork of a community while I still have them. In the meantime, I'm trying to convince everyone to move to California. Be forewarned, the persuasive tactics have only just begun!

*GRE word (!) meaning having mixed feelings or contradictory ideas about something or someone.
**GRE word 2 (gotta get that studying in, I'm supposed to take this test in a little over two weeks AHH!!) meaning (of a person or their manner) unwilling or unable to believe something.

Musing #101: One Year Anniversary

2010-05-30T08:41:00.000-04:00

The one year anniversary of Musings By Ivy is today! Woot! Here's to many (at least one) more year of random blog posts about whatever I want.

Musing #100: Reflections on Junior Year

2010-05-27T22:59:00.000-04:00

NOTE: this is my 100th musing!! Woot!!! Technically it's not my 100th blog post, I think I've had a couple that weren't numbered musings (at least the first one) but officially this gets to be the celebratory post. Thanks to everyone who follows, lurks, and especially comments, I really appreciate it. My year anniversary of having this blog is also coming up which is pretty cool. That'll be on May 30th. I'll have to come up with something fun for that.

For this post I decided to reflect on the past year, my junior year in college because it was a big one.

--------------------------------------

Wow.

This year was a lot.

I was stretched and challenged, challenged and stretched. And played. And hurt.

It was a very difficult year for me. At many points, especially during the fall semester, I wanted to give up, call it quits, go home, transfer schools--all that. Luckily I had lots of people rooting for me and supporting me and loving me. And I had God.

This year I got to see the power of prayer at work, academically, personally, in the life of my church, just all over the place. And it was amazing. This year was a super humbling one because there were so many events and circumstances that came my way that I felt really unprepared for or that I ended up being really hurt by. At the end of it, I am really grateful that I still came out better, stronger, and wiser than before. I've learned so many things, in my classes, about myself, at work, during sermons, so I'm definitely smarter than this time last year. I hope that if I'm faced with situations like the ones that came up this year, I'll be better able to deal with them. I think I'm learning not to live in fear of what might happen and accept that things that I don't want to happen will. I'm starting to trust more and more that eventually, I'll be glad everything happened the way it did.

On that note, this year was about having faith and understanding faith. Faith is a tricky concept. For me, faith is not only about my religious beliefs, but almost more importantly or with more direct implications for my life, it's about trusting and believing that God a) has a plan and that b) that plan is the best way to go. The first part, my religious beliefs, aren't going anywhere so that is a constant. But the second parts, the trust and belief, those are what can be variable. Having faith in God and his power is an integral part of Christianity. We're told from Sunday School that we just need to trust God and everything will be okay. As we grow up, we learn that it's not that easy. Arguably, everything is "okay" because it happened and God willed it, right? But what about when what happens isn't what we want or is very painful or sad? We're told that it's God's will and things will work out and everything happens for a reason, etc etc, but it in those moments it is really hard to keep trusting and believing that it's the right way. Especially when there's a different "way" that your friends are traveling. And further, when that way looks fun or is the way everyone else goes. I wondered on several occasions why relationships or society wasn't for me this year. It didn't make sense that these good things wouldn't be for me. So I'd heard of people having bad experiences with them but I figured God could just ensure that they were good for me. He's all powerful, right?

Anyway, back to faith, I've come to terms with all that has happened this year. Looking back, with my 20/20 hindsight (and foresight btw :), I'm grateful that things happened because they showed me what type of person I am when people don't value my abilities or qualifications or virtues. I don't react well to not being "chosen". I usually avoid trying/applying for things that I won't get, especially if there's no consolation prize. So I applied to Yale and I might not have gotten in here, but I would have gotten in elsewhere and would have been happy with that. I applied for multiple summer programs last year and was rejected from this Northwestern one that I'm doing this year but got accepted to the one at UCLA so it's fine. I will apply for the Fulbright fellowship next year but have a solid backup opportunity with a professor at UCLA so no matter what the outcome, it is okay. I like to have that safety net which I guess just makes having faith easier...Hmm.

I didn't apply to the Grand Strategy class, or the International Studies major, or the Ethics, Politics, and Economics major, partly because I wasn't that interested and partly because I don't apply to things I might get rejected from. I know this about myself and I'm fine with it. My friends love to get on me about my determination to avoid rejection. With them it manifests as shutting down when I feel like a conversation or "discussion" is going nowhere, and they claim that preemptively striking out these conversations or opportunities that might lead to rejection might also strike out positive outcomes for me. I'm usually fine with that tradeoff but fortunately or unfortunately for me, spring semester was host to a couple of surprise instances of rejection that I had to deal with. Dealing with the weirdly public/private nature of these circumstances revealed some ugly parts of me. I saw some jealously, a little bitterness, anger, you know that haterade mix that we all drink sometimes.

Wading in the haterade was a little disconcerting. I usually feel pangs of those ugly feelings but can still get over them and be happy for people. This was definitely different. Ugh. Like I said, now I'm at peace about everything that happened and wish everyone involved the best, but I'm definitely glad most, if not all of the people involved will be gone next year.

Anyway, I've been rambling, but this year was much and basically I tried to cram the most salient events and lessons into this post.

To end I just want to say thank agains to everyone in my family, especially my mother, my friends from home and at school, Dean George, and Jesus.

Musing # 99: Reflection on Community

2010-05-25T23:49:00.000-04:00

My cousin, Ijeoma, just left New Haven after staying with me for three days from Sunday (my 21st birthday! goooo me!) until Tuesday afternoon. She really enjoyed herself here and I was so happy that she got to come visit me and Yale and meet some of my favorite people.

I'm reflecting on her trip and what she got to see about Yale and my life here and I realize that a big part of what makes life here awesome is my community. Each person she met was super welcoming, funny, and friendly. She got a taste of the two most important communities to me, the Black Yale community and the Christian Yale (Yale Christian?) community, which for me are inextricably linked. And the freedom to have that blend and experience love and friendship in both has been so key in my growth as a person. Having her come helped me see Yale in a fresh light and reminds me of why I'm sooo grateful to be here.

I have the opportunity to love and be loved by the most amazing people I've ever met. I get to be challenged and challenge people from every corner of this earth. My vision and goals have been stretched more than I could have ever imagined and as I prepare to step into the mold I have been creating for myself, one that demands more from me than I ever anticipated, I am in awe of where life has taken me. My dreams are so much bigger than before but feel so much more attainable than my old ones. I think something I'm really grateful for is that my hope and optimism about the future didn't come here and die.

My community here forces me to care about creating racial, gender, class--all types of equality. It reminds me that this earth is not mine alone to waste or disrepect but one that we all share. My community calls me to put others before myself and care about people I don't agree with and forgive people who have hurt me.

The blend I mentioned earlier, between my Black and my Christian communities was evidenced through two events during the course of the weekend. On Sunday after Class Day I worked the Black Graduates' Celebration which is my favorite event during Commencement weekend where students who choose to participate have an opportunity to introduce themselves and their major, thank people who helped them in their journey and be stoled by a member of the Yale community that has been really important to them. This person can be a professor, alum, dean, master, dining hall worker, any one. What touches me the most about the celebration is the gratefulness people show to all who have helped them achieve in life.

So many people gave thanks to God, and spoke about how they couldn't have made it through without Him, and shared personal trials that they'd overcome. It was really inspiring and really emotional and made me start reflecting on my own Yale experiences and the trials, setbacks, and hard times I've faced to get to this point. I wonder if I think about it enough beforehand I can avoid being a mess on stage next year.

The other event was a BBQ hosted by Gideon M. from ECV. It was cool because most of the people there were Christians and lots of us are Black and it just had a really fun community feel. I don't go to ECV all the time but I always feel welcome at their events and (especially since the semester is over) they're always fun and full of joy which is so contagious. While we were walking back from Gideon's house to Davenport we met up with Daniel's family who we'd been hanging out with (they're Brazilian but also speak Spanish) and sang Feliz Navidad several times. It was spontaneous and wacky but hilarious and I love that about my friends.

Anyway, this post went on a bit longer than I anticipated but the point is, community is great and it's really important to foster community. (Juliet and Josh and Tina and that whole group have interesting ideas about that and I hope to write about them soon)

Good night!

Musing # 98: Wonder

2010-05-25T23:26:00.001-04:00

It's been a while since I've written a poem but two recent events have spurred my return. I got a bee-you-ti-ful journal from Ten Thousand Villages (love that store!) for my birthday and was told by the gifters that it was a creative looking journal for me to write creatively. Kwaku also asked if I still wrote poems, so here one is.

When I look at you
I wonder
  if you're what I'm looking for.
I remember
  us alone, together, me pensive, you sleeping,
But it felt right.

You were missing
  this or that
I wasn't enough
  that or this
And that seemed wrong

So I withdrew from you
But my heart ached and
  my throat drew taut
  when I thought
  about Us.

Sometimes I glance at you
  I look at you
  I stare at you
  My eyes bore holes into you
And still, I don't know what you want.

My thoughts toss and turn
  like sleepless nights,
I'm left wondering if I'll ever be sure,

I'm tempted to take that leap,
To slice through still but uncertain waters,
Like a champion.

My sensible side, the side satisfied with a sure second place,
  draws me back from the edge of the diving board,
  saves me from that dangerous stunt
  protects me from
   adrenaline and
   cortisol and
   love.

So I settle,
I move on,
I get over it,
I stop wondering.

Musing # 97: The Homie Kwaku...

2010-05-19T09:40:00.000-04:00

has a NEW POST!

It was just what I needed to start my day off right :) Very very funny. It's been like half a year since he's posted regularly but he's back with a bang. Stay tuned to witness his genius this summer.

If you have specific people related to your countries that you wish weren't African, let him know!

Musing #96: Power

2010-05-16T20:29:00.001-04:00

Check it out. White sorority parties in a slave museum, trashes it by vomiting and peeing in corners (nearly on exhibits) and may face a two year suspension. Fine.

But let's do a little thought experiment and imagine that a Black sorority partied in and trashed a Confederate memorial building. (Not my idea of fun but clearly it happens) Or that a Latina sorority in Texas took a dump at the Alamo. You could argue that these groups were justified in their behavior since the Confederacy represents the desire to secede from the US and continue slavery in the South and the Alamo represents the triumph of the US in their desire to take land from Mexico. And both of these events/periods in history have had lasting effects on both those groups of people. But what would have happened to the sorority members? Suspension? Sure- and maybe a gunning after the national organization calling for dismantling the whole thing since their members are un-American etc etc. Criminal prosecution- likely, I mean, you know how important the Confederacy and the Alamo are to descendants of those that fought to subordinate other people and how our country loves to criminalize women of color while trivializing the actions of white women. Maybe we would see riots, hatred, racial conflict in those areas and across the country. Do we want to think about that?

Thought experiment over.

What does it mean that these young women thought this was anywhere near acceptable? Why is it so hard for us to imagine this happening with other groups of women? When we question the power structures in the US, let's not forget the power that white women wield.

Women of color, as a result of their multiple subordinate identities, suffer disadvantage from multiple sources, which doesn't allow them the freedom for such behavior. In this case, it's arguably a good thing since I don't think defacing historical landmarks is a good idea, no matter the reason.

This summer I'm planning to do lots of reading/research to start to questioning the power structures of our society in a different way, one that looks at the effects of these structures based on race and gender simultaneously instead of separately, since the effects of these structures on the lives of women of color are not mutually exclusive.

Does that make sense? Anyway, basically those sorority girls were out of line and I'm planning on studying Black women this summer and for my senior thesis.

Musing #95: Enforcement

2010-05-14T22:38:00.000-04:00

Hey all,

It's been a really long time since I've posted. The end of junior year was CRAZY!! But it's over and I did really well (praise be to God because He and I both know that things could have ended very differently). One day maybe I'll do a more specific post on all that happened but for now I have some musings on enforcement.

Ooh, before I write about that. I just finished Drown by Junot Diaz (shout out to Rhiana for letting me borrow it) and it was phenomenal! I've always loved to write and planned to write a novel or something in the future. At first this book made me never want to write again. I thought that clearly I could never create something as awesome or as vivid as that and so maybe there's no point. But then I realized that his talent should encourage me to work on my writing. I plan to write more this summer (and maybe post some stuff on here) and then take a creative writing class in the fall. I've always really admired people who can control words and language and stories and I'm realizing that if I want to do that I need to practice. So I pronounce this summer a writing summer! Woot!

On to enforcement. Somehow I stumbled across this article that chronicles a nasty situation that Reed College in Oregon might find itself in. Apparently U.S. Attorney Dwight Holton semi-threatened to prosecute the college as a crack house because of the tolerance for illicit drug use that occurs in conjunction with an annual end of year event called "Renn Fayre" (If the name is any indication, the event sounds mad lame). Anyway, apparently local drug dealers stock up for this event and the campus community has suffered two deaths in the past year, yet nothing more than an email is done in response.

Does this sound familiar Yalies? Fortunately or unfortunately, we aren't being threatened by a U.S. attorney because it's Yale, but irresponsible behavior is similarly enabled on our campus. And when there are negative, dangerous, unhealthy consequences to this behavior, we get an email about the dangers of drinking or drugs or pranks in the classroom, those emails are ignored, and everyone goes back to living their lives the way they did before.

This may be controversial, but I really wish that those undergraduate regulations weren't so laughable. I think the consequences should be enforced for dangerous behavior. That if you overindulged and got sick because you were bingeing on alcohol you should be put on probation and they should let your parents know. I don't think there's a space for that at Yale. I'm all for fun and release because it's a stressful campus, but go for a run! Dance at a party! You don't need hard drugs or alcohol to have fun/relieve stress. The flippant attitude toward drinking drugs may be fine for older students but completely inappropriate for most freshmen. Lots of them haven't been introduced to partying environments and you don't get eased into it. Most people aren't taught to gauge their tolerance and pay attention to their limits so they can drink safely. Then when they end up in DUH or whatever they can get up before 8, leave and no one is the wiser. Why? Why not nip it in the bud then? Students need to be reprimanded sooner rather than later. Not everyone gets the lesson on their own. Then when Yale sends them their "please take a year off for your own good" letter everyone else shrugs and moves on but maybe that didn't need to happen.

Maybe it's paternalistic of me, but I just don't think every 18 year old freshman is ready to be thrown in to Yale's peculiar social culture and treated completely like an adult. There should be more care taken for students who aren't ready and enforcing these regulations (that should exist for more than just show) is an important first step.

Musing #94: The House that Etheridge Built

2010-04-23T00:43:00.000-04:00

Today I attended a poetry reading and panel entitled "The House that Etheridge Built", an event that brought together four African-American male poets from around the country in the gallery at the Afro-American Cultural Center where I work. Each poet read, round robin style, works by Etheridge Knight followed by their own original poems.

Each of the poets was drawn to Knight for different reasons but something that stood out to all of them, and me, was that his poems, in telling the stories of people often invisible in poetry or literature, humanized the common tropes associated with urban life and the inner city. His poems start off setting the stage of a scene somewhat familiar, then a subtle shift would leave you in a different place feeling disconcerted.

Below is one of Knight's poems recited tonight about a man in love with a prostitute.

As You Leave Me

Shiny record albums scattered over
the living room floor, reflecting light
from the lamp, sharp reflections that hurt
my eyes as I watch you, squatting among the platters,
the beer foam making mustaches on your lips.

And, too,
the shadows on your cheeks from your long lashes
fascinate me--almost as much as the dimples
in your cheeks, your arms and your legs.

You
hum along with Mathis--how you love Mathis!
with his burnished hair and quicksilver voice that dances
among the stars and whirls through canyons
like windblown snow, sometimes I think that Mathis
could take you from me if you could be complete
without me. I glance at my watch. It is now time.

You rise,
silently, and to the bedroom and the paint;
on the lips red, on the eyes black,
and I lean in the doorway and smoke, and see you
grow old before my eyes, and smoke, why do you
chatter while you dress? and smile when you grab
your large leather purse? don't you know that when you leave me
I walk to the window and watch you? and light
a reefer as I watch you? and I die as I watch you
disappear in the dark streets
to whistle and smile at the johns

Whatever you went into the story thinking about prostitutes, their relationships or Black love in general, it is all complicated in his poem.

Anyway, I really enjoyed the event. I've been needing a little Black poetry in my life so that was a nice taste. Now to write my own :)

Musing #93: I've Always Wondered: Afterlife Edition

2010-04-11T04:54:00.000-04:00

Last weekend was Resurrection Sunday (Easter) and something the Pastor said during service has got me thinking. He was talking about the second coming of Jesus that we as Christians are waiting for and how when Jesus comes He'll take the living and the dead up to heaven.

This and other recent events raised a few questions for me.

-Do we go directly to heaven when we die?
-Do all non-Christians really go straight to hell after death?
-What happens if you commit suicide?

These questions have been bothering me for a bit now. We talked about it in Women's Group on Tuesday but I still felt a little uncertainty. Today, my roommate and I were talking about it again so we turned to the trustiest source for information, the Internet. I'll explain why these questions have been bothering me before I paste what he had to say on the subject.

I do feel a little better about things after reading what one "Ask the Pastor" website said on the subject. What the Easter Sunday pastor said worried me because I've always thought we go straight to heaven when we die. I believe that my grandmother is in heaven watching over me. My guardian angel if you will. So when the pastor said that Jesus will come again to judge the living and the dead and take the righteous up to heaven, I was so confused. I'd always thought that just the living would need to worry about where they have to go.

The second question has bothered me for a long time because I've had arguments with friends about non-Christians and heaven. It doesn't seem to make sense to me that even if people believe in one God and try to live a righteous life, but don't believe in Jesus Christ as the Savior they'd be sentenced to hell for eternity. One of my friends disagrees and says that everyone excepts Christians are going to hell. And I can't really deal with/imagine that. I know my God is a loving God so it's hard for me to imagine so many people sentenced to such suffering even if they lived a good life. And it's hard to reconcile that people who may have caused much pain in their lives but eventually came to Christ and asked for forgiveness and all is well...I don't know.

The final question is due to the widespread belief, among Christians anyway, that if you commit suicide it's a mortal sin and you go straight to hell. It again seems unfair that no matter what struggles you faced in your life--extreme abuse, mental illness, etc--the pain caused by these situations will sentence you to further suffering. For eternity. I would think that God would finally give them peace from their suffering and bring them to heaven with him. About this, I couldn't find an answer quickly online. I didn't see any explanations with Bible verses so I have no conclusion.

Anyway, here's what Pastor Buddy Martin had to say:

Hi Glenda,

You asked some good questions. Let's see what the Scriptures have to say.

> Dear Bro Buddy I would like to know if the bible teaches that a
> believer or unbeliever goes straight to their eternal place as soon as
> they cease to occupy their bodies?

With regard to the believer, Jesus said, "Truly, truly, I say to you, he who hears My word, and believes Him who sent Me, has eternal life, and does not come into judgment, but has passed out of death into life." (John 5:24)

Some teach that everyone who dies [h]as to come to the judgment before being admitted into heaven. But here Jesus says there is no judgment for a believer, in that the believer has passed out of death into life. This being the case, when a believer departs their body they go directly to be with Jesus.

Paul picks up on this by saying that while we are in this body we are 'absent' from the Lord. He then adds, "We are of good courage, I say, and prefer to be absent from the body and to be at home with the Lord." (2Co5:8)

As for the unbeliever, we have the story of Lazarus and the rich man. It says of the rich man, "In Hades he lifted up his eyes, being in torment, and saw Abraham far away and Lazarus in his bosom." (Luke 16:23)

...

> What I am really trying to find out, is, do we go straight on to our
> eternal abode or do we stay unconsious untill the resurrection, untill
> Jesus comes back? Thank you very much ....In Christ ...Glenda It is ok
> if you post my question on your "Ask The Pastor" web page.

Thanks Glenda for permission to post my answers. These questions are important.

Some teach that the soul sleeps until the second coming of Jesus, but this isn't my understanding of the Scriptures. Paul speaks of our being with the Lord the moment we pass from this life. We also have to consider the Scripture, which says, "Therefore, since we have so great a could of witnesses surrounding us." (Heb12:1) These witnesses are the Old Testament saints who are now with Jesus.

Hope this helps.

Buddy
Bro. Buddy Martin - Ask the Pastor

His answers and the verses definitely offered me some comfort. I know my grandmother is in heaven right now and it seems that non-Christians are judged at the second coming based on how they lived their lives. Maybe something like that happens for those that take their own life?

I don't particularly know if these are the right answers. I wonder what other people think about heaven and the after life. I usually try not to think too much about it. It's so strange to think about not living in this body in this world anymore. It's hard to reconcile that I'm not sure what happens to my friends who aren't Christian. It's hard to be sure that this way is the right way. I guess this is where faith comes in. For me, it's important to wrestle with tough questions, but it's equally important to have faith since I can't know what happens after death until that happens. As long as God knows what happens, who am I to question his will?

Well, it's really late for me...nearly 5AM, so I'll stop here. Let me know what you think.

Love,

Ivy

Musing #92: I Lost My Phone and All the Contacts

2010-04-10T17:52:00.000-04:00

Just to be clear, the statement in the title is untrue and isn't about me. But I'm sure you guys have seen groups like this on Facebook. Often, people just invite their entire friends list to an event or group with some variation on the title. Since the criteria for being Facebook friends with people is often way less stringent than the criteria for getting a phone number more often than not, the person didn't have my number before they lost their phone. Even so, I always feel compelled to give them my number. I know that I don't have to and that they probably won't realize that I didn't respond or whatever. But what about when I do want them to have my number? Wouldn't that be weird for someone to give me their number when we both know I didn't have it before?

This is just something quick and random I was thinking about. Najat got on me about how long it's been since I've posted anything. Trying to get back into this.

Musing #91: Ying Yang Twins at Yale?!

2010-03-29T00:17:00.000-04:00

Each year Yale has a spring concert where they bring musicians and we party it up on this quad called Old Campus allllll day. Freshman year it was alright, and last year it was amazing.

This year, the committee is bringing Mike Posner (??), Matt & Kim (??), the Ying Yang Twins (!?!), and MGMT (?). Before this announcement I hadn't heard of three of the four acts. I was shocked by the choice of the Ying Yang twins, but I just shook my head and moved on because I had a cultural show to worry about.

This evening I listened to the songs they put on the Spring Fling website. I was pleasantly surprised by Mike Posner and Matt & Kim. They don't sound awful and aren't mad depressing like The Decemberists (one of the unfamiliar [to me] acts last year). So I was like okay, I can do Spring Fling this year. I was getting a little excited.

Then the Ying Yang twins songs started.

I CAN'T. I had a subtle inkling about how crazy this is but it wasn't until Get Low started playing that I realized how ridiculously hilarious this is going to be. Picture it with me: Yale students (who are both just as awkward and not as awkward as you imagine them to be) Getting Low, Shaking It Like A Saltshaker, being Dangerous...I actually can't wait. Yale kids love overly sexual rap songs and the Ying Yang Twins are the epitome of that (Pretty Ricky is about as overly sexual but perhaps they're not as familiar). They eat it up, attempting to dance but just looking inappropriate, etc etc. Anyway, I'm just looking forward to witnessing this.

Musing #90: Healthcare Reform

2010-03-23T17:31:00.000-04:00

Finally. Healthcare reform passed through the House and the Senate. History has been made but I think it's unfortunate that it was a completely partisan vote. Not one single Republican voted to reform the healthcare system. They were all screaming, "KILL THE BILL!" and "N*GGER" and "F*GGOT" and other classy, mature things.

They're all riled up because Democrats were able to pass legislation without them so now they're calling to "REPEAL THE BILL!" Some of them want to "write bipartisan legislation".

Stop it. The time for compromise is up. The Republicans had the opportunity to join with the Dems and compromise and create reform together. Instead, the Republicans sided with big business and rejected any attempts at compromise. Not. One. Vote. Now there's this mad dash to write bills and propose amendments and slow everything down. (Lots of things aren't going into effect until 2014 which is slow enough already). I'm so tired of Republicans. Any value to their position is lost and drowned out in the racism, classism, and ethnocentrism they stoke in their supporters. If you lay with the devil...

Their unwillingness to compromise must go down in history whenever this sweeping legislation is discussed.

Messy stuff like this makes me a wavering politics aficionado. It's obvious that the effects of political activity/legislation directly affect my life (no matter how delayed) but all the name-calling, fact-obscuring, self-serving nonsense drives me away every time. Each politician claiming to be doing it "for the people" kills me, especially when they know they're not.

Anyway, check out these links for more info:
Huff Post on Repubs Call for Repeal
Top 18 Immediate effects of Healthcare Reform. My favorite is the indoor tanning tax. I've never understood the point. It's so bad for your skin, the real sun is outside (side eye @Arizonans and Californians). Also, I think subconsciously all the crap some people give darker people about going into the sun affects how I view anyone purposely tanning.

Musing #89: I've Always Wondered...

2010-03-16T14:18:00.000-04:00

why people join Facebook groups like: IF A MILLION PEOPLE JOIN, STACEY WILL CUT HER FINGER OFF!!!!!1*

This is foolish because:

The group creator probably doesn't have a friend/sister/acquaintance named Stacey
You don't really want Stacey to cut her finger off
It probably will not happen
It's unlikely that even if it does happen that you'll know about since you'll never return to that group to check
The group probably won't reach one million people
If it does, it's because enough jobless people were bamboozled into inviting all their friends
Which make them look like idiots
Who are all a part of a useless group some other jobless person created...

It's amazing what the web and social networking reveal about human nature..

*I haven't seen this group specifically but too many others like it exist. The 1 at the end was on purpose. It's a common occurrence in the title of these groups. If this dare or bet or whatever was so urgent, wouldn't you do a quick check to make sure everything looked right?

Musing #88: Willard is my favorite actor

2010-03-16T13:03:00.000-04:00

I was creating a blog post on Curly Film Chick and had an epiphany about my favorite actor. Some of you might not understand why this revelation is so important. That's fine.
I've just realized who my favorite actor is. It's Will Smith. (Apparently his full name is Willard Christopher Smith. There's another person named Willard in my life who I admire a lot so this is fitting.)

I like Will Smith for three reasons:

He's pretty consistent as far as being in successful movies. I've liked everything (that I've seen) that he's been in. From Fresh Prince of Bel Air to Bad Boys to Independence Day to Men in Black to I Am Legend to Seven Pounds and Pursuit of Happyness and Hitch, it's all great. And pretty varied.
I loved his music. It was radio friendly, catchy, and fun. I miss music like that. Also, he had a multi-platinum album called Willenium. That's amazing!
I feel like we'd be friends. Whether or not that's true doesn't matter since we won't meet and is much older but he reminds me of some of my guy friends.

I am not a big celebrity person. I don't know much about actresses, actors, singers, rappers any of that. I much prefer to focus my attention and brain power on things that have direct relevance to my life. So usually when people ask me if I've seen a movie or heard a song, they're usually met with a blank stare unless its a super popular one. Also, when people ask me who my favorite actor, singer, or rapper is I have the hardest time deciding because I just don't know that much. But now I have someone who spans all three! So excited.

Musing #87: Race and Psychology (cont'd)

2010-03-13T15:51:00.001-05:00

This should be short. Right now, I'm making my survey for my independent psychology research project. There comes a point where we need participants to fill out their demographic data. The part about race/ethnicity usually looks like this:

Race/ethnicity: ___ White/Caucasian

___ Black/African-American

___ Hispanic/Latino (-a)

___ Asian/Asian American

___ Native American/Alaska Native

___ Native Hawaiian/Pacific Islander

___ Other (please specify): ______________

I'm salty because I question the order that the options appear. Is it supposed to be by percentage of US population? Then "Hispanic/Latino (-a)" should come before "Black/African-American". Is it likelihood of completing the survey? Then "Asian/Asian American" should probably move up a couple spots. Maybe it's supposed to be by waves of "immigration" to the US. Then "Native American/Alaska Native" should come first. Right? I'm going there in this post.

What is the basis for this common order of listing the races/ethnicities? I can't begin to break this down since I didn't come up with the order and I have to finish the survey but I was upset just thinking about the implications of the order. I was going to change the order when I listed them in mine but I felt a pang of apprehension. I planned to list them in alphabetical order which would change the order to this:

Race/ethnicity: ___ Asian/Asian American

___ Black/African-American

___ Hispanic/Latino (-a)

___ Native American/Alaska Native

___ Native Hawaiian/Pacific Islander

___ White/Caucasian

___ Other (please specify): ______________

I was all ready for my micro display of political aggression (shoutout to Adzua! I miss you!) but then "realism"reared its ugly, unwelcome head. Most of my participants are going to be White people. Not that I care too much about hurting their feelings or whatever but the remainder of the study has participants completing surveys on their attitudes about race and relationships with people of other races. In Psychology, any little thing can affect people's responses on subsequent measures and I can't have my politics messing with my research. I feel a little hypocritical but at the end of the day, my purpose with this project is not to make a stance about race in America but to better understand its effect on people of color. This will likely be a dilemma I'll face for my entire career. Yippee =/

UPDATE: I think I've realized what I can do! I'm going to use the second order and just move the demographic questionnaire to the end of the survey. That way it won't affect people's responses to the other measures. Yay! I'm a budding psychologist! Watch out now! :-D

Clearly it's going to take creative thinking on my part to ensure that I don't continue to fall into the structural traps designed to devalue people of color. It takes a simple question--why does "White/Caucasian" have to come first--to see the subtle ways this devaluation can happen. When I notice them I'll do my best to make sure that, at least in my research, I don't continue to support or further a "White is right" mentality.*

*I don't have a problem with White people (my mentor is White! lol**) but I'm all about questioning the status quo.
**In reference to the common defense that someone isn't prejudiced against another group because the person has a friend, in-law, or other relationship to a person of said group.

Musing #86: Being a Black Traveler

2010-03-11T13:55:00.000-05:00

I am home now! I wrote this post in Microsoft Word on the plane. I was bored and wanted to organize my thoughts about the trip. Enjoy!

Vacationing in Puerto Rico was amazing. I loved being with my friends, sleeping as much as I wanted, eating delicious Puerto Rican food, and being in a completely different place. I think I’ve been bit by the traveling bug—I can’t wait to do it again!

It was really interesting being a young Black traveler traveling with a relatively large group of other young travelers of color. We could sort of blend in because we weren’t white and we spoke Spanish. I didn’t feel like an annoying tourist but it was still nice to be a Black person “vacationing”. For obvious reasons, Black people aren’t highly represented among vacationers so it really felt great to be a young Black traveler. I almost felt like I was thumbing my nose at people who might assume that we couldn’t be on the same vacation as them.

On the other hand, being young, Black American travelers did make us stick out at times. When Kwaku, Derrick, Vanessa, and I went to Drums, my favorite club in San Juan, I got extra attention and I assume it was because I was Black. One guy started talking to me and then asked if I was from Atlanta, another told me I was a “very beautiful woman” and after some struggle with out language barrier his friend asked if he could take a picture of us (below). Later in the hotel some man said he liked my hair, which is in kinky twists, a very uncommon shairstyle in Puerto Rico.

I assume I received the extra attention because there aren’t many darker skinned Puerto Ricans. Maybe it was Drums, maybe it was just those guys. I didn’t really mind it though because it wasn’t negative. It was nice to be given positive attention as a Black woman.

I also felt a special solidarity with darker Puerto Ricans as a Black traveler because I assumed they faced the same discrimination we face in the continental U.S. I felt special smiles from the darker Puerto Rican hosts and I can only imagine that young Black tourists are a nice change from the older White tourists.

I remember reading on another blog about vacationing being something “Black people don’t do”. The author felt that was a shame and I agree. It’s been a few years since I’ve gone anywhere for vacation, the last time was Nigeria in December 2006, and that was more to visit family than to “vacation”. Before that, my mother and siblings and I used to go to Las Vegas for a week every summer, which was super fun but different than this vacation. This was a nice chance to do what I wanted to do and go where I wanted to go.

It was very personally enriching as well. I definitely appreciate the family vacations I’ve gone on where my mom paid for everything. This trip made me realize how quickly a few days of vacation can add up—plane ticket, hotel, food, transportation, things you forgot to pack, emergency purchases, fun outings. Vacations aren’t cheap.

I am thoroughly convinced that the best time to travel is now while I’m young. I am able to practice my Spanish while I still remember it. I don’t feel caught up in needing to be in the nicest hotels so I saved more money and was able to be out and about exploring San Juan. I’m still cute enough to lounge on the beach ;). I’m not responsible for anyone else.

Overall, it was great to be a Black traveler. Puerto Rico was super duper friendly and fun and I’ll definitely be back in the future.

Musing #85: Puerto Rico Day 2

2010-03-06T19:38:00.001-05:00

Kwaku in a blue poncho. I was upset that we had to walk around with him like this. Then I was upset because it was "showering" and I didn't have a jacket. They say haters never prosper.

Peep Jen's cover girl status

So today we woke up late, got ready and went to Old San Juan. We walked around for a little and then ate at this restaurant called Mojito's. Derrick and Stacey got mofondos, Kwaku and I got pachungas with creole sauce (I'm mixing up the English and Spanish--this was chicken with Creole sauce), Jen got a pachunga with garlic sauce, and Vanessa got the breaded chicken. Most of them got arroz con habichuelas but I got french fries (go figure). The food was delicious!

Food shots

Jen's swag has been turned on allll day.

Check Kwaku's facebook for the ultimate face stuffing photo. Gotta love him.

After that Jen had to go home and start working on a paper. The rest of us walked around Old San Juan for a bit, went into a couple of stores and then got really tired so we decided to head back. We also nearly got pooped on by a couple of rude pigeons. That was the sign that the day needed to be over.

We walked over to the bus depot and got on the bus. Now anyone who travels knows that public transportation is the way to go if you really want to see the city or wherever you are. Today we learned that it's also the way to be annoyed by two obnoxious, drunk middle aged women thirsty for two things--tequila and handsome men. It was not a good look. They made the bus ride feel 10x longer than it was. To top it off, the bus got really full, we all got really close, and those ladies kept complaining. They were upset that at each stop only one person would get off and like seven more would get on. Granted, it was getting tight, but complaining definitely didn't help and only bothered everyone else. When they finally got off, we started clapping and one man shouted, "Bye! Hasta Luego! See you never!" and other things like that. It was hilarious.

So yeah, basically, this has been a great vacation so far. It's been super funny. I really need to travel with friends more often. I'm really excited because Rhiana and Kayla will be joining us tonight and then Liya tomorrow. Then our group of 9 will be complete.

Stay tuned for the next adventures of Yalies in P.R.

Musing #84: ¡ESTOY EN PUERTO RICO!

2010-03-06T00:49:00.001-05:00

Since last evening, I've been so joyful. I engaged in lots of friendly teasing of Kwaku (it's been awhile and he'd nearly forgot my sharp wit :) and that made me really happy. Reminded me of freshman/sophomore year and things were lighter. Then we went to NAACP elections to support our friends who were running. Congrats to the new board! See here for more information on the awesome awesome, Ebony Tower blog.

My roommate Adriana and I also had mucho fun laughing last night and were both struck by how long it's been since we'd been able to heartily laugh like that. We went to bed around 2:30 and were so happy, that's early for us.

This morning, however, I woke up a little late and was about 10 minutes late to meet our ride to the train station, Jen's dad. He teased me about being late for the entire car ride and then we nearly got into an accident right in front of the station. That's when i should have known that this trip was going to be much.

We made it onto our train without a moment to spare and had a pretty uneventful ride to Grand Central. The only annoying thing was that this train didn't have a food car and we were staving. I'd brought bread, peanut butter and jelly. (My mother taught me to always be prepared:) Unfortunately, I forgot to bring a utensil to spread the stuff so I just ate my bread dry. It was still tasty though.

So we arrive at Grand Central and get off the train. Across the street, on 42nd and Park Ave, you can pick up a shuttle to La Guardia or JFK for $12 or $15 respectively. I loaded my suitcase onto the bus and went to hang out with Kwaku, Jen, Stacey, and Derrick (they were heading to JFK while I had to go to LGA). My bus was supposed to leave 10 minutes after theirs. Next thing I know, the bus is pulling off, with my luggage, without me! So I reach deep down within me, back to my sprinter days and catch the bus. And this man is not trying to stop. Another older man was trying to get on the same bus but the guy wouldn't let him on. I was panicking. I banged on the door and shouted "My luggage is on the bus! I need to get on!" He wouldn't let me get on the bus though. Instead he got off and shouted back, "I don't care! Take your bag. Is this yours? Take it!" Then he got back on the bus and pulled away. As the bus was driving away, I realized it was nearly empty. I was so confused and hurt.

But I shrugged it off, grateful that I had gotten my things and that the next bus was coming in 10 minutes. When it arrived I got on right away, didn't try to go get food or anything. I got to LGA at about 1:30. A full 2 hours before my flight was scheduled to depart.

Finally I got on the plane from LGA to Miami. I found out that my flight had been delayed twice! From 8:40 to 9:00 and then to 9:20. Apparently, a woman on the previous flight had a medical emergency and the crew had to stay with her until the paramedics came.

It's been a long day of traveling. I've reached our hotel Coral by the Sea and am with my friends again! Yay! Side note: It's MAD humid in Puerto Rico.

In other news: I found out earlier today that I was not chosen to be a Freshman Counselor. I was a little hurt earlier, my pride more than anything else, but I know that I probably don't need that added stress and am now free to live in beautiful Saybrook and focus on classes, BCAY, research, and the Af-Am House. Next year's going to be great and much closer to the chill year I'd initially imagined.

Alright, I'll try to update this regularly. If you want you can follow me on Twitter: www.twitter.com/Ivuoma and get frequent updates on what is happening.

Peace and Love!

Musing #83: Summer Plans Update and Musing on Race and Psychology

2010-03-02T16:41:00.001-05:00

So it's been a bit since I've written anything and I've received a few complaints so I'm going to try to do better. I found out yesterday (Monday) that I was accepted into Northwestern's Summer Research Opportunity Program! It's really similar to the the SPUR program that I did at UCLA, except that it pays $1000 more and goes to a conference at The University of Ohio with SROP participants from all the "Big Ten" Universities plus the University of Chicago. I'll likely be working with Jennifer Richeson, the Director of Graduate Studies there and one of my research heroes. She, along with Nicole Shelton, have written some great articles and chapters of books on interracial interactions. I remember reading some of their work during my Directed Research course sophomore year for my final paper. Some of the findings were just so deep and the research was so thorough. By thorough I just mean that their review of research on interracial interaction included all sides. Believe it or not, quite often research on interracial interactions just looks at White perspectives of the interaction and leaves out the perspectives of people of color. It was actually really frustrating. My mentor would tell me that was due to how hard it is to recruit large enough numbers of people of color. That always seemed like a cop-out but I've seen how hard it can be so I know better than to protest.

This past weekend at our annual MMUF (Mellon Mays Undergraduate Fellowship) conference, one of the panelists, Stephanie Rowley from University of Michigan, does research on African-American families. One of the things that she emphasized was that she does research solely on African-American families without White American control groups. She is interested in variety among Black families and is fighting against always needing to compare Black people to Whites. As Professor Dovidio said in class last week, "Black people are not just darker White people". And that was deep because often that seems to be the approach to studying Black people. If it's not some essentialist view of Blacks as some sub-human species, there's a serious underestimation of the variety in the community. I hate that the popular imagination of Black in the U.S. assumes an African-American ancestry and often consists only of negative stereotypes. One day, I'm going do some real research on the psychology Black peoples in the Diaspora. (Fulbright, here I come!)

There's this scale, the Attitudes Towards Blacks scale that is used to measure explicit prejudice towards Blacks. I think it'd be absolutely fascinating to administer the scale to Black people who vary on different demographics (marital status, socioeconomic status, religion, rural/suburban/urban, educational attainment, etc) and see how their responses differ. But we don't do that in psychology. It seems to be assumed that whatever "the Black response" is, is what it is for all Black people. And that's just not true.

Finally, there's a study that Rhiana's family wants me to do and I can't forget to do it. Maybe I'll do it in grad school, maybe when I'm a prof, maybe when I'm provost or president of Stanford, but I'll definitely do it one day. When they came to visit her last spring I took them on a mini tour of Yale and the Af-Am House. During our walk I told them about my research and they told me about this "crabs in a bucket" phenomenon. I had never heard of it before but it's when people are upset by the achievement (crawling out of the bucket) of one of their own so they pull that crab right back down into the bucket and nobody escapes. They framed it as being about Black people but I think you might see it among women and other minority groups as well. And it might just be a general people thing. Now, I haven't really experienced that with close family or friends. Nigerians are all about getting you out of the bucket and then nagging you until you bring 10 other crabs of the bucket too. That's why Nigerians are all over the world and doing so well, seriously.

So that's what I have right now. Hopefully that can tide you over till after my midterm on Thursday, after which I'll be head to Puerto Rico!!! WOOT!

Musing #82: What am I here for?

2010-02-18T14:56:00.000-05:00

I honestly feel like I don't know what I'm doing here. I hate writing papers, I don't want to study for tests, I feel caged in during meetings and I'm frustrated with my research. Each of these things are supposed to be things-I-need-to-do-to-succeed. But it's such empty success. An A here, an event there, a publication one day? All to prove what? That I can do it? That I'm smart enough? Good enough? For what? I know all those things already. I'm well aware of the fact that I'm bright and ambitious and good at planning/getting things done. I don't need to do anything else to show anyone that I can do that. So why should I keep doing it? Why do I have to go to class and study when at this point, 5.5 semesters in, I've already done it several times? I feel so ready to move on and do something real, tangible, important, selfish. This is cementing the fact that I'm not going to grad school right away. I cannot imagine signing up for anymore useless coursework, papers that don't matter, tests that I don't care about. I'm anxious to do something else, somewhere warmer, where I don't have to live so close to people who annoy me.

I might sound whiny--like the people on this show--deal with it.

I do want to say, though, that I'm getting sooo much joy from the love of my friends and from seeing the work God is doing through different people on campus. I wish I could just work towards that and not on this project I have due tomorrow. Alas.